writers block or real life??

I havent posted anything anywhere in months.. I goess I sort of owe the people that read my writing an explination.. I don't even have time in a day to take half an hour to smell the air or enjoy a coffee.. I have went from cancer mom, to grieving mother to single mom financially supporting everyone.. The stregnth of Little JJ is the only thing that keeps me from crumbling. Im laying here feeling like ive reached my level of breaking and i grabbed my laptop, my best friend, the friend that listens to me with out trying to change the subject because the intense pain of the situations I deal with in my life are just to much for any human being to face.. I miss Dub soo much it has come to a point where I actually have a very hard time thinking about it or talking about it because I feel like someone has reached in my cheast and tore out my heart. I try my best to be a good mother to JJ. I give him whatever ounce of love I have left and have none left for myself it feels sometimes. My life has been survival for the sake of my children. I live for them. There isnt a day that goes by that the trauma of that dreaded day plays over in my head. Or the day I got my husbands last text message. I will admit I fell into a deep hole that I am trying to slowly dig my way out of.. Writing right now is a big step for me. Ive been trapped in the four walls again. Hibernating. Put myself in soldier mode, trying to mask the pain I feel so deeply by sourounding myself with anything or anyone that doesnt remind me of pain.  I feel like I am to proud to ask anyone for help. Throughout this whole journey i have isolated myself and my kids from so many things. The truth is I am ashamed to be that person that brings down the vibe with intolerable pain so I act like everything is normal when my body just wants to ball and fall apart and have someone take care of me. is this human nature? Does everyone that has endured the pain of losing their child feel this way. Do we always resort back to these four walls? Our comfort zone? our shell? Well I guess I am proud to finally say that maybe this is the first step, writing again????? 

LIFE AFTER DEATH?????

Does that even exist, well I mean for me.. I cant figure out the real mening behind that but.. There is life after losing a child it just takes time.. its been 3 months and not a moment goes by I dont think of him.. Instead of blogging during a deep phase of writers block im going through alot of different emotions. My husband is sad and sick.. My little JJ is walking now and saving me every day from my voices and devistations and well Im working on my book. EDITING.. SUXXXXX. But I am trying to stay determined. Its hard to keep motavated when life is so wierd. So on and off. One day at a time. Hot and COLD. Struggling to find the words to explain he true feelings in my heart are gutwrenching. SO on that note maybe not such a good blog today.. Well hey tommorrow is another day. Without my sweet DUB.. Without a dream of his face. Or the pitter patter of his feet around the house. But JJ is walking around now and waking up to him is a true joy, a saving grace... He truly is a wonderful little boy... BUT I STILL WANNA SCREAM FUCK YOU LEUKEMIA......... OK im getting wierd.. gonna sign off now...

xoxo

codi

MY SWEET LITTLE HERO.......

I havent been blogging much on caringbridge or here.. Actually I feel like im at a loss for words.. My Dub is gone.. Ive been crazy.. Had a few suicidal episodes even.. I mean JJ came and found me and stood up and walked his first 3 steps to me for the first time and said mama... I was on the floor balling with DUB's earn wrapped in his red blanket, Completley freaking out... Jah saved me.. Im not qick to admit I wanted to kill myself or thought of it but. JJ made me a believer that day.. I know he is special and is here to keep mommy on track. I miss DUB alot and Im trying hard to meet this book deadline so im gonna sign off now. I want to write more but instead im gonna read you the letter I wrote to JJ that night he saved me.....

Dear my Hero JJ,
Your the only reason im alive today. Today I wanted to DIE.. I mean I really wanted to DIE.. the voices were strong in my head and very persistant on this perticular day. I really miss your brother and feel very sad and sometimes guilty about what I saw and what happened to your big brother. I looked for the razor blade, On the marble floor, in the bathroom as I found it I turned around and there you were, you looked up at me, stood up, and said MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA with your arms up and your big blue eyes looking up at me. Thenb you did something amazing, you walked 3 steps to mommy, for the first time, you walked, and it was to me, when I needed you. I was amazed, I smailed and grabbed you crying and holding you. You just stayed in my arms without squirming as I held you and said mama. It was an amazing moment. I LOVE YOU BABY JAH JAH... You are my hero.

Im sorry mommy is having a hard time because of your brother being gone, but hunny when you get older you will understand, you and your brother are very special boys and I will show you video's of him when you grow up. You actually made it clear to me that you need me as your mommy. Its hard to know sometimes. You are so independant. You are such a scorpio, just like mommy. Your heard me crying, holding your brother's ashes and you looked all over the house for me till you found me, on the bathroom floor and you walked to me and hugged me. Even though your only 1 year old, its like you know. You have an old soul. Some have even said you resemble the godfather in some pictures, hahaha. I hope you know today you made me believe.

I LOVE YOU MY SWEET LITTLE JAH JAH..
AND MOMMY PROMISES I WILL STICK AROUND FOR YOU.....

XOXOXOXOXO
MOMMY

WHATS HAPPENING????

I haven't updated in a while because weve finally got our new place and Ive been unpacking like a mad woman, plus we had no internet for like 4 days, awwwww... but were here, and its soo nice to have a home that I know we will be in for a long time. Its sooo perfect, its almost too good to be true, the only thing is that unpacking all of my pictures and DUB's things has made it extremly hard. He would have loved this house.. The backyard has a swimming pool and a full park.. Its a one floor, bungalo and sometimes walking around I imagine DUB running around. It has brought me too my knees a few times over the past week.. I miss him soo much. I thank him for bring me to this paradise, dream home that is in suberbia Florida, yet hate myselfd for thinking that. I want him to bee here sooo badly. Its not really getting any easier, actually Im finding it harder as the time goes by. I see all the kids in the neighbourhood, the healthy ones, and I crumble.. Ive decided to put words underneith my Portrait tatoo of DUB's beautil face on my arm because too many people notice it and think its JJ, If I put REST PEACEFULLY MY ANGEL im hoping people wont approach me like its a cool tatty where'd I get it man.. ITS MY BABY AND HE'S GONE I WANNA SCREAM AT THEM but i just say thanks and try to differ them from talking about it. I wont deny I have devistated a few people when they bring it up if im having an off day....
Ive wanted to talk about this for a while but I didn't want to add it in my 2 month anniversery entry for DUB, the timing wasnt right. But so far the DUB fund has done OK and my first purchase with some of the money raised I used to buy a box of Childhood Leukemia books (by NANCY KEENE) they are great books, it was like my bible during DUB's treatment. Its a guide book packed with iformation on everything about childhood Leukemia, from questions to ask the dr's, to other parents input,. to info and side effects of every single chemotherapy drug used. I recieved it as a gift from a very special friend when DUB was first Diagnosed, Brendon's mom (Giselle) www.caringbridge.org/visit/brendenmouro , her son Brendon and DUB were the same age but brendon was on his way into pallpative care while dub was in about his second month of treatment.. Him and DUB were the cutest little angel out of Vancouver. Read her story, her and her husband are amazing people, and i still talk to her..... Anyways I bought a box of these books and me and Harley planned on giving them out at different hospitals to parents, (our goal for the DUB FUND being helping parents be informed so they can FIGHT). So an old friend from high school facebooked me a message and told me of her good friend MILEY who had a 4 year old daughter and she was a single mom. I met Miley once when I was in Jr High but we weren't close.. Her daughter casey was diagnosed with leukemia and Miley was freaking out.. I instantley told her to tell Miley to call me. She was leaving to go to Toronto, (which is a hospitasl DUB was in ) so I wanted to help her. I felt soo bad her being a single mom. I was worried sick over Miley and Casey. The night I found out I sent Stefanie a book and a letter to give to Miley because she was about to go to Toronto to see her and I wanted her to bring it to her from me. I know how it is when your baby is first diagnosed, you dont wanna talk to the mom of the kid who passed away, its to hard to imagine that happening to you.. So I reached out as much as I could.. Miley got the book and my letter and got to Toronto. But it was to late within two days Casey died in the hospital in Miley's arms. They didn't even have a chance to give her a bone marrow. I remember the first thing I thought when The doctors took me and Harley into that back room and told me DUB had Leukemia.. I BALLED, FAINTED, then I said if DUB DIES I WILL KILL MYSELF, I cant live with out him.. Well after Casey died .. 2 days after... MILEY SWALLOWED A BOTTLE OF VALUME AND SLIT HER WRISTS. She died.. She wrote a note saying.. I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HER... "TEAR" I know that feeling.. GOD DO I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TO WELL. I WANTED TO DIE, I TRIED TO DIE, BUT JJ'S FACE STOPPED ME... IF I didnt have JJ I would have died in that bed on August 14th beside my baby's lifeless body...... STEFANIE told me Miley's family wouldn't come to the funeral because she had made it clear that she felt ok with Miley's desision to be with her daughter. The family was Morman and obviosly thought she was evil for thinking that. I agree with Stefanie, She is with her daughter, she had nothing else to live for, being a single mom and living for your baby. So This entry is a salute to Miley and Casey... MAY YOU BOTH REST PEACEFULLY AND TOGETHER.......
Now all the questions run through my head...
WHY DIDNT SHE KNOW SOONER?
DO FAMILY DR'S EVEN THINK TO DO CBC'S ON A REGULAR BASIS?
DO PARENTS KNOW WHAT SIGHNS TO LOOK FOR?
DO PARENTS KNOW HOW FUCKING COMMEN THIS HORRIBLE DISEASE IS?
HOW CAN I GET THE MESSAGE OUT THERE SO PARENTS KNOW THAT THIS IS REAL AND COULD HAPPEN TO THEM????
PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW, WE ARE LOSING TO MANY CHILDREN...... I WISH I HAD THE NAME OF HER DR SO I CAOULD CALL HIM OR HER MYSELF AND SAK WTF????
WE ALL NEED TO BE AWARE........
Miley im glad you at least knew that I cared before you and your beautiful daughter left this earth, I hope you find DUB up there, he will make you smile for eternity, he still does for me....
xoxo
REST PEACEFULLY.... CASEY, BRENDEN and DUB and all of the other sweet little angels that this stupid fuckin Leukemia takes from us. I not rest until people know....

SIGNS??

DUB IS THAT YOU?
Today was a wierd day. We spent the day looking at places and we think we found the perfect one but Im not going to talk about it because I dont wanna jinx it. But after ward it was such a nice day that on the highway on the way home my husband decided to keep going and drive to Miami randomly, at 5pm in traffic, with JJ in the car who was already annoyed from being dragged around all day looking at houses. Oops ok let me rewind back to last night before I contenue this story. Ive been sick for 3 days straight with a stomach flu and once I was feeling better I started to get hives from god knows what, stress maybe??? Anyways while I was sick it was quite an emotional expiriance for me as well because I was getting fevers and tremours and all I could think of was my poor little dub and what he went through half his life. So I would cry and shake and go to the toilet. It was intenese to say the least. So today was the first day Ive felt good enough to keep food down and conduct my day, but like I said I needed to take benedryl for my hives. So it put me in a coma sleep quickly (as it did dub before he get's blood products..) and I guess my husband had a very hard night, he said he cried for 2 hours in the next room begging DUB to give him a sign that he is alright. As I was for the past 3 days as well on and off. So on this drive to Miami, we get into the downtown core, which is pretty scary actually. Its a nice city but the vibers are scary and feel unsafe. We both looked at eachother ( my husband and I) and said why did come here again? "OH WE NEED GAS" my husband said. So we pull up to a gas station, It was HOTTTTTT!!!!! and as we were about to stop I noticed a little grey thing under a car at the pump. I din't see it get there, I dont even know how it ggot there. So I said babe is that a kitty? He stopped I ran over to the car and the woman was about to take off and run over the cat,I grabbed her. She was sooo frail, I happened to have cat food in my trunk, because we have our cat here.... I nussled this little sick, frail (like i mean no meat on her bones frail), into my lap, with a bowl of food. She ate like she hadn't eaten in months. I don't even know how she got there. there was no bushes around. I didn't see her run from any where. I didn't even know if she could walk, but she was there under a car about to take off over her, at the gas pump in the sweltering heat. The poor little thing. We named ner MIAMI as we started to drive she gobbled food like she hadn't eaten in months and after she was done eating she curled up in my lap. Her spine sticking out soo much it was like a little kitty skelaton in my lap. I was crying. This poor little kitty.What happened to her?Was she a gift from DUB?? We drove her to the Emergancy Vet Hospital and waited in the waiting room. The dr let us in and told us she is very sick. If we even want to bother (like if we want to pay) he will do a CBC and cultures (wierd?) and some other tests and find out whats going on with her. So we said of course and we left her and came back to our hotel awaiting the call from the VET. He called 2 hours later and told us that she basiclly is very sick and that if we didn't bring her in tonight she wouldn't have made it another day. The tests shoed she had everything a cat could have but LEUKEMIA and rabies of course. She had 7 different types of worms eating her from the inside, mange, mites, malnoureshment and there is a 60/40 chance she will make it through the night, if she does she will come home to us on several different medications including DEXAMETHISONE (trippy). And now we will nurse her back to health. They were all shocked of course that someone would even do this for a cat because everything would cost 1000 dollars. They said people don't just do that for cats. Ya well were not normal people my husband told the vet. So tommorrow we pick up Miss Miami from the hospital and begin day 1 of nursing her back to heealth. If she is a gift from DUB she will be chasing salamanders in no time alongside. TWITCH, MINNIE, CAMINO, TUDDLES AND BIGGIE.. Welcome to the family Little Miss Miami... You are safe with us.. Dub was that you????

WHYYYYYY???????????????

I feel like such a downer so thats why I haven't been writing as much lately.. Maybe im angry, its like I don't get the same response now that the dust has settled and im here alone with my thoughts and regrets.. One moment im happy and feel blessed to have a little sweety like JJ to help keep me sidetracked from my pain, and the next moment im angry. I feel robbed, I blame myself for my son's death. I wish I was in my right mind when I sighned that cloforibine study, or made the desision to go to SLOAN KETTERING. Or not storming the hospital and demanding they let him in when they were hanging up the phone on me. When we got to New York his relapse blast were 33% in his marrow. Our closing date got pushed back and we didn't have the 350k they wanted, for 2 weeks I took him to cornell everyday, they didn't admit him...WHYYYYYYYYYYY..... WHAT DID I DO WRONG????? WE HAD THE CORD.... THE BLASTS WERENT IN HIS PERIFERAL BLOOD YET... COULD I HAVE DONE MORE??????? I hate the hospital, why didn't they let him in, he is a child... WHEN they got they money they welcomed him with open arms, but it was tooo late, he had 80% blasts in his periferal blood....... I just cant get over this then I see the patient bill of rights on the wall..... the first rule.. NO HOSPITAL IN NEW YORK CAN REFUSE A PATIENT????? WHAT?????? I dunno I just cant come to terms with all of this, I miss him soo much as I sit here in florida where I dreamed of him playing on the beach with his baby brother all I feel is pain... And now the funeral is over, the dust has settled, everyone goes back to their lives, stop emailing me, facebooking me, caring... And im left here alone feeling like my child was murdered..... Im trying soo hard to stay strong but im dieing inside and longing for DUB sooooooo bad, wondering where he is and if he knows how much I love him.. I wonder if he see's me playing with JJ and feels replaced or jeolous.. Does he know what happened to him?? is he in heaven? is there a heaven. because if there was a GOD why would he let children suffer like this.. I get so angry when I see all of these breast cancer awarness campaigns, what about childhood cancer.. WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS BEING ROBBED OF THEIR LIVES.. I just found out a friend of a friend of mine I went to school with, a single mother, her daughter just got diagnosed with leukemia 1 week ago... I sent her a book and offered her help, she has no money and I cried for her.. I have a husband, she is alone in a leukemia battle. She doesnt even know yet what hell she is about to endure... WHY OUR BABIES.. JJ is getting to the age where he is starting to walk and saying dadadadadada all day and everything he does remind me of DUB, he has the same one track mind, accident prone tendancies as DUB and im sad.. I think of healthy DUB and it makes me soooo sad. I dont want JJ to live in the shadow of his brother but now he will be a year old on Oct 26th and DUB was diagnosed at 14 months old.... Im worried about JJ now.. Ive heard of 2 kids having leukemia, ive already taken him to get a CBC and I have the erge to do it every single day... WHAT IF?????? im scared, sad, feel sorrow for my husband and I miss DUB sooooo much and strongly believe he didn't have to DIE..... what do I do??? get help... HAHAHA noone can understand or help me.. The pills help me not to cry when I want to cry. I miss him sooooooooo much its getting close to 2 months since he was taken from me.. from those doctors and their drugs and their ignorance, I don't know if I will ever come to terms with his deathy and it scares me to death.... The second autopsy results haven't come back yet and the hospital is withholding his organs because "the organ guy is on vacation". I just can't believe any of this. I cuddle his blanket and sleep with his ashes. He hasn't come to me or given me a sign... In a dream or in reality... Honey where are you I NEED TO KNOW.............
I LOVE YOU DUB SOOO MUCH PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOUR OK..... ARE YOU WITH ME? I MISS YOU AND JJ IS NOT YOUR RELPACEMENT PLEASE KNOW THAT........ I WUV YOU..... AND NOT A MOMENT GOES BY THAT I DONT LONG FOR YOU.....

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2008 03:23 AM, CDT
Florida
Well, all I can say is whoever is up there works in misterious ways. We left Manhatten very suddenly last week thinking Florida was not too far away. Forgetting there is about 4 states in between New York and Florida. 3 days of driving (stopping in between staying in hotels to sleep), with JJ and our cat twitch, who we had to sneak into 2 different places along the way.. We stayed in a vacation home for a few days in west palm beach, it was a gorgeous and serene little bungalo in the middle of a quiet little neighbourhood. But When the owner told us to lock our doors at night, we didn't realize until the daytime, when we were in the middle of a meth infested ghetto. So we packed up and drove to Boca Raton where we have settled into a nice little hotel on the beach, that allows pets. Fate brought us here to meet a wonderful woman named rosemary, who is in love with JJ and told us that she has a house for rent. We went to look at it and it is a cute little bungalo on a lake, it is perfect. Baby steps. We asked her why she is leaving her house and she says she cant afford it she is putting her son through law school and we were moved, so by us moving there we are helping her help her son achieve his dream, and by us moving there we are getting the serenity we need to figure out everything, be with JJ and grieve.. It feels like fate.. It took about 5 days and alot of arguing and tears to get us here. But we made it. JJ has been amazing this whole trip, he is so good, and adaptable to any situation and just soo happy that I know I am truly blessed. The pain my husband is feeling is intense and there are days I cant move I miss DUB so much. When I see JJ and his smile I know what I need to do.. Be his mom. I snuggle DUB's red blanket every night and Harley has his own too. We are going to drive to the keys in a few days and spread some more ashes. Oh yeah and our manhatten apartment 2 blocks from Sloan is on the markey and we have a few people very interested already. We will still have an apartment in New York. Just something alot more simple, because DUB will always be in "NEW CITY" and we wont leave until we find out the truth.. (I will talk more about that when it is official, the second autopsy results arent final yet). Plus hopefully I can get to a place in my mind where I can finally finish the editing of my book and have some time to shop it around. In the mean time, one moment at a time. I yearn for DUB so much right now everything I see or do or say reminds me of him and getting through that is all I can do now..... Hopefully this is the right thing, I really just need things to work out for once I dont have much more fight left.
codi




My Dearest Dub
As I stare at the ocean I think of you,
The moon is so bright and the water is blue,
The water is so beautiful it reminds me of you.
Ive never seen such a beautiful color, its the same as your eyes.
The waves are so loud that they cover my cries.
Im sure you are making them crash so my cries you cant hear,
But I hope you know that mommy is here.
You are my angel and I will love you forever.
Don't worry "mommy's comming" soon we will be together.
I LOVE YOU DUB, MY NUMBER ONE....