LIFE AFTER DEATH?????

Does that even exist, well I mean for me.. I cant figure out the real mening behind that but.. There is life after losing a child it just takes time.. its been 3 months and not a moment goes by I dont think of him.. Instead of blogging during a deep phase of writers block im going through alot of different emotions. My husband is sad and sick.. My little JJ is walking now and saving me every day from my voices and devistations and well Im working on my book. EDITING.. SUXXXXX. But I am trying to stay determined. Its hard to keep motavated when life is so wierd. So on and off. One day at a time. Hot and COLD. Struggling to find the words to explain he true feelings in my heart are gutwrenching. SO on that note maybe not such a good blog today.. Well hey tommorrow is another day. Without my sweet DUB.. Without a dream of his face. Or the pitter patter of his feet around the house. But JJ is walking around now and waking up to him is a true joy, a saving grace... He truly is a wonderful little boy... BUT I STILL WANNA SCREAM FUCK YOU LEUKEMIA......... OK im getting wierd.. gonna sign off now...

xoxo

codi

MY SWEET LITTLE HERO.......

I havent been blogging much on caringbridge or here.. Actually I feel like im at a loss for words.. My Dub is gone.. Ive been crazy.. Had a few suicidal episodes even.. I mean JJ came and found me and stood up and walked his first 3 steps to me for the first time and said mama... I was on the floor balling with DUB's earn wrapped in his red blanket, Completley freaking out... Jah saved me.. Im not qick to admit I wanted to kill myself or thought of it but. JJ made me a believer that day.. I know he is special and is here to keep mommy on track. I miss DUB alot and Im trying hard to meet this book deadline so im gonna sign off now. I want to write more but instead im gonna read you the letter I wrote to JJ that night he saved me.....

Dear my Hero JJ,
Your the only reason im alive today. Today I wanted to DIE.. I mean I really wanted to DIE.. the voices were strong in my head and very persistant on this perticular day. I really miss your brother and feel very sad and sometimes guilty about what I saw and what happened to your big brother. I looked for the razor blade, On the marble floor, in the bathroom as I found it I turned around and there you were, you looked up at me, stood up, and said MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA with your arms up and your big blue eyes looking up at me. Thenb you did something amazing, you walked 3 steps to mommy, for the first time, you walked, and it was to me, when I needed you. I was amazed, I smailed and grabbed you crying and holding you. You just stayed in my arms without squirming as I held you and said mama. It was an amazing moment. I LOVE YOU BABY JAH JAH... You are my hero.

Im sorry mommy is having a hard time because of your brother being gone, but hunny when you get older you will understand, you and your brother are very special boys and I will show you video's of him when you grow up. You actually made it clear to me that you need me as your mommy. Its hard to know sometimes. You are so independant. You are such a scorpio, just like mommy. Your heard me crying, holding your brother's ashes and you looked all over the house for me till you found me, on the bathroom floor and you walked to me and hugged me. Even though your only 1 year old, its like you know. You have an old soul. Some have even said you resemble the godfather in some pictures, hahaha. I hope you know today you made me believe.

I LOVE YOU MY SWEET LITTLE JAH JAH..
AND MOMMY PROMISES I WILL STICK AROUND FOR YOU.....

XOXOXOXOXO
MOMMY

WHATS HAPPENING????

I haven't updated in a while because weve finally got our new place and Ive been unpacking like a mad woman, plus we had no internet for like 4 days, awwwww... but were here, and its soo nice to have a home that I know we will be in for a long time. Its sooo perfect, its almost too good to be true, the only thing is that unpacking all of my pictures and DUB's things has made it extremly hard. He would have loved this house.. The backyard has a swimming pool and a full park.. Its a one floor, bungalo and sometimes walking around I imagine DUB running around. It has brought me too my knees a few times over the past week.. I miss him soo much. I thank him for bring me to this paradise, dream home that is in suberbia Florida, yet hate myselfd for thinking that. I want him to bee here sooo badly. Its not really getting any easier, actually Im finding it harder as the time goes by. I see all the kids in the neighbourhood, the healthy ones, and I crumble.. Ive decided to put words underneith my Portrait tatoo of DUB's beautil face on my arm because too many people notice it and think its JJ, If I put REST PEACEFULLY MY ANGEL im hoping people wont approach me like its a cool tatty where'd I get it man.. ITS MY BABY AND HE'S GONE I WANNA SCREAM AT THEM but i just say thanks and try to differ them from talking about it. I wont deny I have devistated a few people when they bring it up if im having an off day....
Ive wanted to talk about this for a while but I didn't want to add it in my 2 month anniversery entry for DUB, the timing wasnt right. But so far the DUB fund has done OK and my first purchase with some of the money raised I used to buy a box of Childhood Leukemia books (by NANCY KEENE) they are great books, it was like my bible during DUB's treatment. Its a guide book packed with iformation on everything about childhood Leukemia, from questions to ask the dr's, to other parents input,. to info and side effects of every single chemotherapy drug used. I recieved it as a gift from a very special friend when DUB was first Diagnosed, Brendon's mom (Giselle) www.caringbridge.org/visit/brendenmouro , her son Brendon and DUB were the same age but brendon was on his way into pallpative care while dub was in about his second month of treatment.. Him and DUB were the cutest little angel out of Vancouver. Read her story, her and her husband are amazing people, and i still talk to her..... Anyways I bought a box of these books and me and Harley planned on giving them out at different hospitals to parents, (our goal for the DUB FUND being helping parents be informed so they can FIGHT). So an old friend from high school facebooked me a message and told me of her good friend MILEY who had a 4 year old daughter and she was a single mom. I met Miley once when I was in Jr High but we weren't close.. Her daughter casey was diagnosed with leukemia and Miley was freaking out.. I instantley told her to tell Miley to call me. She was leaving to go to Toronto, (which is a hospitasl DUB was in ) so I wanted to help her. I felt soo bad her being a single mom. I was worried sick over Miley and Casey. The night I found out I sent Stefanie a book and a letter to give to Miley because she was about to go to Toronto to see her and I wanted her to bring it to her from me. I know how it is when your baby is first diagnosed, you dont wanna talk to the mom of the kid who passed away, its to hard to imagine that happening to you.. So I reached out as much as I could.. Miley got the book and my letter and got to Toronto. But it was to late within two days Casey died in the hospital in Miley's arms. They didn't even have a chance to give her a bone marrow. I remember the first thing I thought when The doctors took me and Harley into that back room and told me DUB had Leukemia.. I BALLED, FAINTED, then I said if DUB DIES I WILL KILL MYSELF, I cant live with out him.. Well after Casey died .. 2 days after... MILEY SWALLOWED A BOTTLE OF VALUME AND SLIT HER WRISTS. She died.. She wrote a note saying.. I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HER... "TEAR" I know that feeling.. GOD DO I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TO WELL. I WANTED TO DIE, I TRIED TO DIE, BUT JJ'S FACE STOPPED ME... IF I didnt have JJ I would have died in that bed on August 14th beside my baby's lifeless body...... STEFANIE told me Miley's family wouldn't come to the funeral because she had made it clear that she felt ok with Miley's desision to be with her daughter. The family was Morman and obviosly thought she was evil for thinking that. I agree with Stefanie, She is with her daughter, she had nothing else to live for, being a single mom and living for your baby. So This entry is a salute to Miley and Casey... MAY YOU BOTH REST PEACEFULLY AND TOGETHER.......
Now all the questions run through my head...
WHY DIDNT SHE KNOW SOONER?
DO FAMILY DR'S EVEN THINK TO DO CBC'S ON A REGULAR BASIS?
DO PARENTS KNOW WHAT SIGHNS TO LOOK FOR?
DO PARENTS KNOW HOW FUCKING COMMEN THIS HORRIBLE DISEASE IS?
HOW CAN I GET THE MESSAGE OUT THERE SO PARENTS KNOW THAT THIS IS REAL AND COULD HAPPEN TO THEM????
PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW, WE ARE LOSING TO MANY CHILDREN...... I WISH I HAD THE NAME OF HER DR SO I CAOULD CALL HIM OR HER MYSELF AND SAK WTF????
WE ALL NEED TO BE AWARE........
Miley im glad you at least knew that I cared before you and your beautiful daughter left this earth, I hope you find DUB up there, he will make you smile for eternity, he still does for me....
xoxo
REST PEACEFULLY.... CASEY, BRENDEN and DUB and all of the other sweet little angels that this stupid fuckin Leukemia takes from us. I not rest until people know....

SIGNS??

DUB IS THAT YOU?
Today was a wierd day. We spent the day looking at places and we think we found the perfect one but Im not going to talk about it because I dont wanna jinx it. But after ward it was such a nice day that on the highway on the way home my husband decided to keep going and drive to Miami randomly, at 5pm in traffic, with JJ in the car who was already annoyed from being dragged around all day looking at houses. Oops ok let me rewind back to last night before I contenue this story. Ive been sick for 3 days straight with a stomach flu and once I was feeling better I started to get hives from god knows what, stress maybe??? Anyways while I was sick it was quite an emotional expiriance for me as well because I was getting fevers and tremours and all I could think of was my poor little dub and what he went through half his life. So I would cry and shake and go to the toilet. It was intenese to say the least. So today was the first day Ive felt good enough to keep food down and conduct my day, but like I said I needed to take benedryl for my hives. So it put me in a coma sleep quickly (as it did dub before he get's blood products..) and I guess my husband had a very hard night, he said he cried for 2 hours in the next room begging DUB to give him a sign that he is alright. As I was for the past 3 days as well on and off. So on this drive to Miami, we get into the downtown core, which is pretty scary actually. Its a nice city but the vibers are scary and feel unsafe. We both looked at eachother ( my husband and I) and said why did come here again? "OH WE NEED GAS" my husband said. So we pull up to a gas station, It was HOTTTTTT!!!!! and as we were about to stop I noticed a little grey thing under a car at the pump. I din't see it get there, I dont even know how it ggot there. So I said babe is that a kitty? He stopped I ran over to the car and the woman was about to take off and run over the cat,I grabbed her. She was sooo frail, I happened to have cat food in my trunk, because we have our cat here.... I nussled this little sick, frail (like i mean no meat on her bones frail), into my lap, with a bowl of food. She ate like she hadn't eaten in months. I don't even know how she got there. there was no bushes around. I didn't see her run from any where. I didn't even know if she could walk, but she was there under a car about to take off over her, at the gas pump in the sweltering heat. The poor little thing. We named ner MIAMI as we started to drive she gobbled food like she hadn't eaten in months and after she was done eating she curled up in my lap. Her spine sticking out soo much it was like a little kitty skelaton in my lap. I was crying. This poor little kitty.What happened to her?Was she a gift from DUB?? We drove her to the Emergancy Vet Hospital and waited in the waiting room. The dr let us in and told us she is very sick. If we even want to bother (like if we want to pay) he will do a CBC and cultures (wierd?) and some other tests and find out whats going on with her. So we said of course and we left her and came back to our hotel awaiting the call from the VET. He called 2 hours later and told us that she basiclly is very sick and that if we didn't bring her in tonight she wouldn't have made it another day. The tests shoed she had everything a cat could have but LEUKEMIA and rabies of course. She had 7 different types of worms eating her from the inside, mange, mites, malnoureshment and there is a 60/40 chance she will make it through the night, if she does she will come home to us on several different medications including DEXAMETHISONE (trippy). And now we will nurse her back to health. They were all shocked of course that someone would even do this for a cat because everything would cost 1000 dollars. They said people don't just do that for cats. Ya well were not normal people my husband told the vet. So tommorrow we pick up Miss Miami from the hospital and begin day 1 of nursing her back to heealth. If she is a gift from DUB she will be chasing salamanders in no time alongside. TWITCH, MINNIE, CAMINO, TUDDLES AND BIGGIE.. Welcome to the family Little Miss Miami... You are safe with us.. Dub was that you????

WHYYYYYY???????????????

I feel like such a downer so thats why I haven't been writing as much lately.. Maybe im angry, its like I don't get the same response now that the dust has settled and im here alone with my thoughts and regrets.. One moment im happy and feel blessed to have a little sweety like JJ to help keep me sidetracked from my pain, and the next moment im angry. I feel robbed, I blame myself for my son's death. I wish I was in my right mind when I sighned that cloforibine study, or made the desision to go to SLOAN KETTERING. Or not storming the hospital and demanding they let him in when they were hanging up the phone on me. When we got to New York his relapse blast were 33% in his marrow. Our closing date got pushed back and we didn't have the 350k they wanted, for 2 weeks I took him to cornell everyday, they didn't admit him...WHYYYYYYYYYYY..... WHAT DID I DO WRONG????? WE HAD THE CORD.... THE BLASTS WERENT IN HIS PERIFERAL BLOOD YET... COULD I HAVE DONE MORE??????? I hate the hospital, why didn't they let him in, he is a child... WHEN they got they money they welcomed him with open arms, but it was tooo late, he had 80% blasts in his periferal blood....... I just cant get over this then I see the patient bill of rights on the wall..... the first rule.. NO HOSPITAL IN NEW YORK CAN REFUSE A PATIENT????? WHAT?????? I dunno I just cant come to terms with all of this, I miss him soo much as I sit here in florida where I dreamed of him playing on the beach with his baby brother all I feel is pain... And now the funeral is over, the dust has settled, everyone goes back to their lives, stop emailing me, facebooking me, caring... And im left here alone feeling like my child was murdered..... Im trying soo hard to stay strong but im dieing inside and longing for DUB sooooooo bad, wondering where he is and if he knows how much I love him.. I wonder if he see's me playing with JJ and feels replaced or jeolous.. Does he know what happened to him?? is he in heaven? is there a heaven. because if there was a GOD why would he let children suffer like this.. I get so angry when I see all of these breast cancer awarness campaigns, what about childhood cancer.. WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS BEING ROBBED OF THEIR LIVES.. I just found out a friend of a friend of mine I went to school with, a single mother, her daughter just got diagnosed with leukemia 1 week ago... I sent her a book and offered her help, she has no money and I cried for her.. I have a husband, she is alone in a leukemia battle. She doesnt even know yet what hell she is about to endure... WHY OUR BABIES.. JJ is getting to the age where he is starting to walk and saying dadadadadada all day and everything he does remind me of DUB, he has the same one track mind, accident prone tendancies as DUB and im sad.. I think of healthy DUB and it makes me soooo sad. I dont want JJ to live in the shadow of his brother but now he will be a year old on Oct 26th and DUB was diagnosed at 14 months old.... Im worried about JJ now.. Ive heard of 2 kids having leukemia, ive already taken him to get a CBC and I have the erge to do it every single day... WHAT IF?????? im scared, sad, feel sorrow for my husband and I miss DUB sooooo much and strongly believe he didn't have to DIE..... what do I do??? get help... HAHAHA noone can understand or help me.. The pills help me not to cry when I want to cry. I miss him sooooooooo much its getting close to 2 months since he was taken from me.. from those doctors and their drugs and their ignorance, I don't know if I will ever come to terms with his deathy and it scares me to death.... The second autopsy results haven't come back yet and the hospital is withholding his organs because "the organ guy is on vacation". I just can't believe any of this. I cuddle his blanket and sleep with his ashes. He hasn't come to me or given me a sign... In a dream or in reality... Honey where are you I NEED TO KNOW.............
I LOVE YOU DUB SOOO MUCH PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOUR OK..... ARE YOU WITH ME? I MISS YOU AND JJ IS NOT YOUR RELPACEMENT PLEASE KNOW THAT........ I WUV YOU..... AND NOT A MOMENT GOES BY THAT I DONT LONG FOR YOU.....

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2008 03:23 AM, CDT
Florida
Well, all I can say is whoever is up there works in misterious ways. We left Manhatten very suddenly last week thinking Florida was not too far away. Forgetting there is about 4 states in between New York and Florida. 3 days of driving (stopping in between staying in hotels to sleep), with JJ and our cat twitch, who we had to sneak into 2 different places along the way.. We stayed in a vacation home for a few days in west palm beach, it was a gorgeous and serene little bungalo in the middle of a quiet little neighbourhood. But When the owner told us to lock our doors at night, we didn't realize until the daytime, when we were in the middle of a meth infested ghetto. So we packed up and drove to Boca Raton where we have settled into a nice little hotel on the beach, that allows pets. Fate brought us here to meet a wonderful woman named rosemary, who is in love with JJ and told us that she has a house for rent. We went to look at it and it is a cute little bungalo on a lake, it is perfect. Baby steps. We asked her why she is leaving her house and she says she cant afford it she is putting her son through law school and we were moved, so by us moving there we are helping her help her son achieve his dream, and by us moving there we are getting the serenity we need to figure out everything, be with JJ and grieve.. It feels like fate.. It took about 5 days and alot of arguing and tears to get us here. But we made it. JJ has been amazing this whole trip, he is so good, and adaptable to any situation and just soo happy that I know I am truly blessed. The pain my husband is feeling is intense and there are days I cant move I miss DUB so much. When I see JJ and his smile I know what I need to do.. Be his mom. I snuggle DUB's red blanket every night and Harley has his own too. We are going to drive to the keys in a few days and spread some more ashes. Oh yeah and our manhatten apartment 2 blocks from Sloan is on the markey and we have a few people very interested already. We will still have an apartment in New York. Just something alot more simple, because DUB will always be in "NEW CITY" and we wont leave until we find out the truth.. (I will talk more about that when it is official, the second autopsy results arent final yet). Plus hopefully I can get to a place in my mind where I can finally finish the editing of my book and have some time to shop it around. In the mean time, one moment at a time. I yearn for DUB so much right now everything I see or do or say reminds me of him and getting through that is all I can do now..... Hopefully this is the right thing, I really just need things to work out for once I dont have much more fight left.
codi




My Dearest Dub
As I stare at the ocean I think of you,
The moon is so bright and the water is blue,
The water is so beautiful it reminds me of you.
Ive never seen such a beautiful color, its the same as your eyes.
The waves are so loud that they cover my cries.
Im sure you are making them crash so my cries you cant hear,
But I hope you know that mommy is here.
You are my angel and I will love you forever.
Don't worry "mommy's comming" soon we will be together.
I LOVE YOU DUB, MY NUMBER ONE....

TOMMORROW ONE MONTH

Today I have been sad all day, I sat in the room where all DUB's stuff was for hours and cried touching his pictures, looking at his perfect face. COMPLETLEY AND UTTERLEY DEVISTATED. I hate myself, I blame myself, and I cannot stop. My husband is waking up from dreams of seeing ghouls and monsters and looking very sickly. JJ is great and beautiful and wonderful and so normal. Today I was feeding him and his highchair is right there beside DUB's earn. I was looking at it and I started to ball, JJ looked at me and went "HA". thats how he says hi to everyone.. I said with a faint little wimpery voice "ha" and he started to shake his head as if he was telling me no. He's 10 months old. I was like wtf are you telling me no for your not even 1 yet. He just kept shaking his head. So I stopped crying. He stopped shaking his head and started to cooperate with me and open his mouth again.so I said"sorry dude i wont cry then". Once I was done feeding him I took him into the room where all of DUB's pictures and things are. Everytime I bring him in there he gets really quiet, which is unusal because he is a loud ass
baby. I said say hi to your brother DUB honey, JJ says loudly "HA" as he gazes around the room looking at all of the stuff of DUB's I said "honey thats your brother DUB. He looked at me with a tear in his eye and that tripped me out sooo badly I went put him in his exersaucer and dropped to the ground and started to ball my eyes out.

Tommorrow will be one moth since DUB left me, On that X ray machine, 1 month since I fell asleep with him in my arms while waiting for the blood to come because I thought his hemoglobin dropped and it did from 92 to 76 and I knew it, I madew them do blood work in the middle of the night because I knew something wasn't right, tring to get a dr to find out what was wrong with him, but the because he was breathing so fast and strained, 1 MONTH since they came in and woke me up and said we needed an XRAY because his blood chemical levels were worrysome. 1 month since I let him go onto that fuckin XRAY machine and walked away.. 1 month since he DIED, he died when I let go of him. 1 month since I ran back and tried to ressessitate my own child because the doctors didn't have the kit close by and 3 minutes went by before he has oxygen to his brain and the carried me away while the attempted to turn him into a vegitable.. THEY KILLED HIM, THEY KILLED MY FUCKING BABY AND I WANT THEM ALL TO KNOW IT, they could have payed more attention and brought him to the ICU, we don't know what his counts were doing but we had a fuckin matched cord and the t cells were almost done. BUT NOW HES GONE, AND SO AM I, SO IS MY HUSBAND. JJ IS KEEPING ME HERE BUT IM DEAD INSIDE, I HAVE NOTHING LEFT BUT EMPYNESS AND SADNESS AND REGRET EATING MY SOUL........................ ONE FUCKING MONTH.......................... THANKS ALOT MEMORIAL SLOAN FUCKING KETTERING AND FUCK YOU.......................... He didn't have to die, why does that have to be my purpous.. Now i will live in my own personal HELL.

ONE MONTH AT A TIME

I CRY ALONE

Nobody can help me, I am all alone,
Noone really knows what to say, so I don't answer the phone.

Noone really phones me anyway, they just can't bear the pain,
Losing a child is the worst thing ever and its driving me insane.

Noone can look me in the eyes, or tell me it's ok..
Because they know thats just a lie and they go about their day.

My heart and soul is broken and my eyes are full of tears,
Noone knows this pain I feel and it will be there for years and years.

I can't sleep at night, I cry all day thinking of his beautiful face,
but yet he won't come in my dreams or give me a sign to tell me he's in a better place.

Will I ever feel normal again, or stop blaming myself?
No Doctor can help me and the pills don't even help.

Nobody can help me, I am all alone,
I have no friends, no place to go, no place to call my home.

Home is where the heart is, well wheres home is your hearts broken?
All I have is what I write and these word that I have spoken.

We gave up everything to fix our son and it did not work,
Now all I have is horrific images of watching him die, in my head these memories just lurk.

GO AWAY VOICES, GO AWAY IMAGES, SOMEONE GIVE THE THE STREGNTH TO LIVE,
I have another son who needs me I have to find some love to give.

I guess I can't depend on anyone to guide me through this and show me how.
I just thought maybe someone out there would know the answer, WHY MY BABY? WHY NOW?


September 6th 2008
Codi Dornan

Being alone

Tonight I am alone... I dont know where my husband is??? Im scared, im lonely. I cant leave the couch because if I do and try to go to bed then I start to close my eyes All I see is DUB. THEN THE TEARS COME..... Then I start to hug my knee's and rock back and forth, and miss DUB.. I cant fall asleep with out him, Ive been sleeping with him for 3 years. i ASK MYSELF HOW AM i GOING TO GO ON WITH OUT HIM??? I can't be alone.... Where is my husband? I dunno he wont answer the phone, is he out drowning his pain in a bar somewhere? Is he out spending time with someone less crazy or depressing then me. I live in a daze. HAVE i BEEN LIVING IN THE TWIGHLIGHT ZONE FOR 3 YEARS. I had a son and now he's gone, a beautiful, wonderful amazing son. He was everything to me. HE LOVED ME... HE WAS THE ONLY ONE. I need him back.. Why hasn't he come to me in my dreams or given me a sign yet.. Where is he and where ever he is is there someone that is taking care of him like I would. Im in New York.. I dont know anyone. Im alone.. Weve sold everything.. I want to go home but we don't have one anymore.. I need a sign, I need to know what to do. I can't be alone..... I can't sleep and I have a little 10 month old baby who needs his mommy and Im trying soo hard but sometimes I csant help but think, HE'S NOT DUB.. He is so special in his own way. He is independant and DUB wasn't, he needed me, Jah doesn't. I need to be needed. I dont want to fail as a mother to JJ, But the truth is IM LOST. IM SAD. I DON'T WANT TO WAKE UP. I WANNA DIE SO I CAN BE WITH DUB... Where is my husband, sometimes I think he cares but im to intense for him.. What is the point of this horrible life that I live, My whole life everyone I love goes away. Im always alone. STUCK IN 4 WALLS, TRAPPED, NO WHERE TO GO... I wish there was someone who knew what to say to me, but there isn't. Everyone I talk to looks at me with eyes of pity and sadness.. Half 0f them fumble around because they don't know what to say to me or how to treat me. I am alone. noone understands, noone knows and noone can bear to put themself in my position at all because its to painful.. Ive lost my baby, My heart, My soul and hes never comming back........(so many tears) JJ will never have a big brother.. I wish he would just come to me and tell me everything is alright because im alone. I HURT, Ive been though sooo much in my life, will things ever get better for me... But nothing I do will ever bring him back....... Im ALONE... PLEASE BABY DONT LEAVE ME ALONE. ANSWER YOUR PHONE..

Today... WHAT DAY IS IT???

I dont know where to start, I dont even know where I am or what Im doing half the time. AT night it hurts, last night at 5:30am I was laying on my marble floor in the bathroom, crying for 2 hours, wimpering, DUB WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME... I cant sleep at night. Ive realized Ive slept for 3 years snuggled and breastfeeding DUB that now I don't know how to sleep without him.. I try to pull JJ into bed with me but he's such a little scorpio that he rolls over on me. I woke up the other morning screaming, he's not DUB, he's not DUB. As I go about my days and people notice my tatoo. People ask me about him, when I talk about it they all tell me im strong, I should go on Oprah.. I dont feel strong I feel like a fucking pussy.. I can put on a straight face but im dieing inside. I feel like I died with DUB. My husband wants to go to florida tommorrow and im scared, Im scared to do anything. I felt ashamed that me and my husband went out and had fun yesterday.. Without DUB.. I want to write about other things because maybe my readers are sick of hearing about whats considered the most devistating thing in the whole world, losing a child.. How do you live on.. Would DUB be proud of me if I followed my dreams or would he want to see me mourn him.. FUCK THIS SUCKS....... Its now SEPTEMBER and im in New York city wondering who the fuck I am.. Ive been stuck in time for 3 fucking years, I don't even know who I am or where I belong. I guess I must figure this out somehow I just wish DUB could guide me... COME TO ME IN A DREAM BABY PLEASE TELL ME YOUR OK AND MOMMY WILL FEEL BETTER.....
sleeping pill is kicking in will write again tommorrow... i love you dub and miss you.. and jj you are so fucking cute thank god for you....

before he died

Its like 5am and DUB won't sleep, he's laying beside me doing his crazy fists and obviously feels great. The doctor was just in here because he could here him yelling down the hallway, CARS, ANIMALS, DIS ONE, DAT ONE, SHAPES, BALLOONS. EVERYTHING HE CAN THINK OF SAYING ITS ALL COMMING OUT. The doctors are all floored with the drastic change in him. They have never seen him his normal self.Today I saw a look in Dr.Stienhursts eyes that ive never seen before, I think it was hope. He saw DUB talking and yelling HI DOCTOR and naming all the animals he saw and Dr Stienhurst saw what weve been talking about, finally. This special little fighter that is just not giving up. DUB is very special and everytime he gives me the D word speech and cant look me in the eye I keep saying but you don't know DUB he's different, I know what you see on paper is bad but he's made it through 4 rounds of the most intense chemo in New York virtually unharmed. Going to the ICU saved his life. He was being pumped with 5 liters of exess fluids per day and not peeing it out. The hospital did this to him. Im not to get into the fact that we have so many communication problems with this place to the piont where we have been fighting them for two much saying he's getting to much fluids and finally they alsmost killed him. He came out of the ICU over 1kg lighter, breathing normally and looking and feeling normal with his IV fluids cut down to over half of what they were at when we left here. This is just one of the many beefs we have been having here. But the most important thing is DUB.... We had a team of Dr's with no hope and it took all of this to look at our son and see it. I meet with the rest of our team tommorrow where im gfoing to confront them about this. I need to look them in the eyes and say now do you believe??? If you do lets fix him, if you don't we are taking him somewhere that does. My husband spoke to Boston today and they cant believe how we have been treated not to mention we have people telling us we should go to the news and lawyers wanting to represent us in lawsuits. But in the end Dub is what matters right now and were not going to stir the pot. We need to get him to transplant and get that cord in him. The T-CELLS are harvesting and the miracle cord blood is waiting. NOW WE PRAY HIS COUNTS COME BACK WITH LESS BLASTS...... this is the miracle we need, if the cyclophosphimide/etopiside worked, even a little bit we can repeat it.. There is a good chance it might, it is the very same drug that kept him in remission for a year..... im crossing my fingers, on my knees and asking for everyone to pray....... DUB deserves this transplant lets get him there.. I think the prayers are working, he looks and feels amazing right now which has basiclly baffeled everyone on this unit.. Our baby is a mangler we told them. I have been so scared lately because of them and yelling at my husband because he keeps saying, im not worried, he'll be fine. And I thought he was in denial but he knew it, he feels it and he was right he is more then fine he is a miracle.. We started GCSF (all of the sudden 2 weeks later????) and lets all pray for some good cells...........
COME ON DUBS BONE MARROW YOU CAN DO IT..................... GO DUB GO!

today in writing in red because ive been walking around in DUB'S red blanket all day. I slep most of the day then moved to the couch.. I couldn't get up with JJ and ive been finding it hard to do anything. I have been wandering around in a daze.. Ive realized that I dont even know how to live my life without DUB. This whole past 3 years has been all about DUB. He was my life, my everything. My husband even told me that. i didn't even really know how to be a wife because in the back of my mind no matter what I was doing it was all about DUB. Now im lost. I have this little boy JJ. Who I barely know because Ive been in the hospital with DUB the whole time. He also is feeling quite an impact, so many changes for him. Nanny's gone. Mommy and Daddy are always around and I feel like he notices his DUB not around too. He's not being himself, which is making it very hard. Today I wanted to go check myself into a hospital. I feel like things are going to get really wierd. Like I want to watch cars and animals (his 2 favorite shows) and get like a life size doll, pretend its him and wrap up in his red blankets and read him stories, The ones I used to read him. IM LOSING IT. My husband is looking into greif counselling for me. But with comming to New York and getting a place 2 blocks from the hospital, and it costing 350k just to get in the door, plus the health insurance we had to pay for to stay in sloan which was 8000 per month and our rent being rediculously high, being on the upper east side of manhatten. We have sold our home in toronto, our vacation home and are almost left with nothing. We want to leave and go away but we have to figure out how to get out of this lease in new york or were gonna end up broke. I dont want to live 2 blocks away from the hospital that killed our baby. I have so many things that I wanna talk about but cant because there is law suits happening.. ALL that keeps running through my head is how he died and how i had to give my own baby mouth to mouth and it took them 5 minutes before the doctors came to resesatate him.. WHY? Why whis way.... I dont know if I will ever know? Or be able to make sense of any of this. I know I have to be a mother to JJ but Im gonna have to dig deep to find the stregnth to even get up and feed myself let alone another baby.. I love him soo much but he is so moody and hard to deal with right now. Were trying to figure out how we can just go away for a while.. On my website im selling the preview copy of my book.. It all helps right now, people interested in my story is the only thing keeping me going.... www.codidornan.com let me know if you like it.
xoxo for now

Recently my husband has put me to work, he turned me into a webdesigner somehow, I dont really know how I figured it out, but I did and I found an outlet, during the time when DUB was asleep, and I couldn't move because if I did he would wake up. So I would stay up all night, with the laptop in my lap and DUB asleep nuzzled into my armpit. Working on my husband's website, learning how to all of this tecnical stuff, I had know idea what I was getting myself into, but I finally figured it out and got my own website up, which I am proud of, It gave me an outlet of self expression while I sat there, it made me feel human.. My Husband was working on his clothingline and at first I was like babe your clothingline is vulgar, lol, like im not, but still tone it down.. We fought about it and he told me to f off and just work on the website.. So I did.. So now my husband has his clothing line up and he has a new mission. He asked me last night how he can setr up a blog on his website and I was thrilled, I said baby, I cant believe you want to write, trust me it helps.. My husband hasn't wrote down his feeling at all throughout this entire cancer journey. I even asked him to write a letter to DUB and JJ in there baby books and he still didn't get around to it no matter how much I busted his ballz. He needed to do it on his own time... A few days after DUB passed away we went for a walk and we talked about Leukemia and how under the radar it was and how mad it made us about how unimformed you are as a parent, etc.... Were in the process of setting up a foundation in DUB's honour to help raise money for familes who need support and finacial means to FIGHT there hardest for their babies. AS DUB DID. And never give up no matter what these doctors say.. At Dub's service I had a plan to get up and talk but I didn't write anything down. I cried as my mother in law had a planned speech about DUB, some special poems and praised us as strong parents. I sat there and criedlooking around the room at all of my babies things and his pictures and I was shaking. I could barely stand. When my mother in law was done the priest asked doers anyone else want to say something. Without even wiping the mascara off my face, I stood up on the podiem, legs shaking in front of everyone and started talking.. I talked about my sweet baby and how I cant make sense of any of this because it just didn't go the way I thought It would and there is nothing more to say then Im broken and completely devistated. He was everything to me and finding the stregnth to live on would be through my husband and JJ. But then I started to get stregnth from all of the other sweet little angels that I knew who passed away... Brendon Mauro, Beck Jamesion, GINELLE (i dont know her last name),Elijah and so many more that I cant name them all because im typing so fast.. The week dub died 5 other kids at SLOAN died too. Can you believe that???? What is happening to these kids??? So on that podiem at my son's funeral I started to rant and rave about how we need to spread awarness and speak for these sweet little angels that got FUCKED over by life.... My baby was one of them. LUEKEMIA.. do you know people don't even know what that is, let alone, when they do they think its cureable. They say to me like idiots "well thats curable". I want to punch those people. NOBODY knows..... Anyways the point I was getting at is my husband he finally speaks... And It was beautiful. The love and connection my husband Harley had with DUB was so amazing words can't even discribe how beautiful it was. I think thats why he couldn't write it because words couldn't describe this type of love. It was cosmical, magical and it was like they were the same person..... Here is what I found on his blog today..........His first entry..........
hey u manglers out there world wide, since i started this clothing line my beautiful baby boy of just over 3yrs old has passed away. it came so suddenely were still in shock. i gave up everything i was and had, and more to come to this supposed best hospital in the world and i still couldnt fix him. once again i am totally devistated and destroyed, but waaaaaay worse then any other time in my life. he taught me everything about myself, how to love , how to live just for the love of another...the void is eternally plastered in time and on my body and soul. once again i am faced with my never ending battle that life has givin me...mangle? or die...and if i didnt have a wife and 10 mnth old that need me so bad id blow my face off so fast in hopes of maybe going to the utopia Im forced to think of him in otherwise ill flip out. i choose immediately to mangle, for him. to spend the rest of my days devoting my time and money to familys struggling with childhood leukemia and research and awhareness. there is such a lack of knowledge of the rampant increase of childhood leukemia and it tares these kids to pieces. doctors r total goofs for the most part, parents have no idea of their rights, and get walked all over, aswell as the kids themselves dont allways get wat they need. so i choose life and to make my son proud and honor his legacy until im satisfyed hes been fully respected to his potential. i will never be the same. nor will my wife, we dont even know wat to do withought him, im so lost and saddend that i cant even rant and rave today. to u my love of my life Harley Bruce Dornan junior, the absolute love of my life that taught me to be a better stronger healther person. i salute u and can only humbally ask u for guidance and compasion and the time i need to heal. i love u more then any one will ever know, goodbye my sweet baby brilliant before his time little boo boo.
WOW thats all I could say.. his website is manglegear.com and he is making clothes to make DUB proud and support other people who need help. He is my inspiration.. I encourage everyone to check out his website. By buying something not only does it give him something positive to focas on but it gives him something to do other then lose his mind over losing a piece of himself. DUB was everything to us. My writing, JJ, and my husbands clothing line are the only things we have after selling our house, spending all of our money and selling all of our assets to fight for DUB. It didn't work. Now all I have is a star around my neck with his ashes in it, a head ful of beautiful memories, alot of how comes and some regret. But it is what it is. DAY BY DAY what else can I do? LIVE OR DIE.. OR MANGLE, LOL

FRIDAY, AUGUST 08, 2008 12:31 AM, CDT
Well i don't have much time to write so im going to make this short and sweet, DUB has been off gis darth vador mask since this morning and his SAT's are remaining at 100% with the blow by only.... YESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
I dont even know what to say. im sooo happy, it was a fluid overload. His med have been significantly decreased and the machine has pumped up his lungs back to normal again, he is sleeping like an angel in my arms and if the night goes well we be "BACK TO ROOM" as dub would say, by tommorrow in the day time..... I really lost it there seeing him in that mask. I cried all day and couldn't even be here I was so scared.This kid is such a champ words can't even discribe how many times over the past few months that he has been scaring me... Im on edge like im living in a suspense thriller and the movie just wont end, you dont want to watch but you cant not watch, awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Maybe everyones prayers are working, maybe miracles do happen. My husband is angry, he has his theroys (well they are pretty accurate ones) as to why this happened.. Im not going to slag the hospital we are in but "the best hospital" has given up on DUB and I think they did the second there protocal didn't work.. The way the doctors talk to me and look at me is like they don't have one ounce of hope. It sucks, its to late to go find somewhere that does, but they don't know my DUB. ALL the speeches ive gooten over the past few months are all v ery bad. No matter what they say to me i just dont believe it. I cant.. I WONT........ LOOK AT THAT PICTURE I POSTED DOES THAT LOOK LIKE A KID WHO GIVES UP..............
DUB.......
MOMMYS SORRY FOR BEING SCARED
MOMMYS SORRY FOR CRYING NIGHT
MOMMYS SORRY FOR BEING SOO TIRED
MOMMYS SORRY FOR YELLING AT DADDY
MOMMYS SORRY FOR SHOWING FEAR
MOMMY HAS BEEN STRONG FOR SO LONG
IT MAKES ME SAD TO SEE YOU SAD
ALL I EVER WANT IS FOR YOU TO FEEL BETTER
AND WHEN YOU FEEL PAIN I DO TOO
BUT I PROMISE I WILL TRY FROM NOW ON NEVER TO SHOW YOU..........................
I LOVE YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH DUB
XOXOXO,
MOMMY

DUB is doing so well but i am not, i feel like im dieing inside and noone can say or do anything to make this pain go away. im scared to see dubs counts. i don't wanna lose my baby. Why is this my life/ why is my baby suffering? why cant i contol the voices in my head? why am I this? why does my husband love me but cant be around me? WHAT DID i DO TO DESERVE THIS? i wanna be NORMAL........ i WANNA HAVE HEALTHY KIDS AND HAVE A NORMAL LIFE SO BAD. I CANT SLEEP, IM SO ANXIOUS, I TOOK A SLEEPING PILL AND I STILL CANT SLEEP. ITS BEEN 3 HOURS COME ON PILL WORK... iM AT HOME ALL ALONE. JJ is asleep next to me so soundly, he's so cute, does he know he has a brother? i WISH I COULD BE WITH BOTH MY KIDS TOGETHER..... WHEN WILL THIS HELL IN MY LIFE EVER END.

AUGUST 14TH
after a wierd turn in dubs attitude and mood I felt sick to my stomach at 3:30 this morning I rushed to the hospital and DUB was breathing very fast. I jumped into bed with him and instantly started to call the nurses and dr's it took them a long time and noone knew what was wrong. I told them to take his blood and send it stat because he was moaning and I was counting his breaths. Although his sats were good his breaths were 60 per minute. It was a new nurse. We hadn't had her before and I just kept beeping and telling them somethings wrong, is he wigging out from the new anti anxiety medication.. Is it his hemoglobin?? 2 hours later of me holding him and rubbing his little head and trying to calm him doen he was asleep peacefully,the nurse came in and said your are right his hemoglobin came back and it was 7.2 from 85 yesterday. He was still breathing fast, but asleep, they kept comming in telling me they wanted to do a cheast xray.. I said go get him blood now he needs blood hurry. This is what he does when is hemoglobin is low. He was moaning with every third breath. I just kept holding him stroking his head and I fell asleep waiting for blood. I said no xray until blood hes calm. I don't want to agitate him please, leave him in peace... They came in at 7:30am at shift change and woke me up saying the bloods here but they are really concerened the needed to do an X-Ray as soon as I let go of him He died. on the Xray board. I ran over, grabbed him screamed for the doctors. He wasn't breathing. He turned yellow. He stopped breating when I let go of him.. He died in my arms. They took him from me and all rushed in put the tube down his throat and tried to get his heart going, it did a few times but it was too late. Oxygen hadn't been to his brain for to long. I called Harley he got there at 8:30. BALLING, dub's last words were "I WUV YOU DADDY". After everthing they cleaned up the room and I layed there in bed with his lifeless body. I kept opening his eyes thinking he was going to wake up. But he didn't. The doctors and nurses all came in and our Doctor told us that they have never seen a kid fight like he did, in there entire carrer. To take the TVTC and then 3 more rounds of chemo and still act the way he did, was amazing. They said he was the strongest kid in the hisstory of Sloan. Im in a daze and the image of letting go of him and looking over and him not breathing on the xray board is playing over and over in my head. My baby is gone...... I am comletley and utterly devistated. Im at a loss for words about how I feel. I know that he had a shitty life and he fought for us because we loved him so much... He fought for love... Our love. The nurses and doctors all said that we as parents were the most wonderful, loving, fighting parents they ever saw and that they will never forget. DUB was loved sooo much it kept him going way longer then he was supposed to be here. But none of that matters now. He is gone and I let go of him and he gave up. He couldn't do it anymore.
DUB IF YOU ARE UP THERE MOMMY LOVES YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY NUMBER ONE. YOU WERE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, SPECIAL BOY I HAVE EVER MET AND YOU WERE MY SON. I HAD THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT OF ALL TIME AND THAT WAS TO BE YOUR MOMMY. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND WHERE EVER YOU ARE PLEASE KNOW THAT ONE DAY I WILL BE THERE TOO.. RIGHT BESIDE YOU. FOR NOW WATCH OVER BABY JAH JAH FOR ME AND DADDY AND ME.. YOU ARE WITH THE ANGELS NOW......................................
I LOVE YOU
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
MOMMY......................

Hi everyone.... Its day 2 and after what happened yesterday I tranqulized my self for 2 days... When I woke up this morning, I said OMG i have to get to the hospital, then I remembered, no I don't, he's gone... I am so sad I don't know what to do. My little JJ is the only thing keeping me from wanting to overdose into lala land for a year... My Angel.. My DUB he touched so many people, everyone he met he touched.. Iam not holding a funeral service but instead A CELEBRATION of DUB's life.. It will be held this weekend in New York on the upper east side.. I will keep everyone posted as I am on my way to the funeral home now. But I wanted to personally invite all of DUB'S SUPPORTERS to THE CELEBRATION OF DUB's LIFE. It will be a very positive un conventional funeral. With people that were important to DUB I will keep everyone posted on the DATE please email me your email address if you are interested in attedning we are making it by invite only codims@yahoo.com It will be sometime between Wednesday and Saturday. Just giving a heads up to those that might need to make travel arrangements.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26, 2008 03:04 AM, CDT
its been a little over a week and the service is over. It went well, it was very nice. Very sad. Im sad. Now that everyone is gone, its sunk in. My baby;s gone. He's really gone. We went to the funeral home today and picked up his ashes. I freaked. I lost it. Mt husbund bougt 10 little earns to spread acroos the world. One big one to keep in our house and I have a star around my neck filled with DUB;s ashes so he will always be with me. I miss him so much Im trying so hard to make sense of it all. And I still cant. I dont believe it was his time. I was robbed of my baby. I miss his smell and sleeping with him. I sleep with red blanket everynight and havent washed it. It smells like him. Today we went to long beach, NY at sunset with JJ, SAMMON, HARLEY, ME, RYAN AND LEANNE our cousins and we lit candles and played house music and went in the ocean, spread some ashes and said goodbye sweet DUB...your in your favorite place now..The ocean..... It was amazing. I love him..JUMA HONEY...... then me and Harley went ourselves and took another earn, tossed it in so it would sink, and threw away our past problems.. not dub, but our issues with eachother, were starting over, for DUB and Jah... DUB WAS always so happy to see mommy, daddy together that we have to maintain his legacy. He saved our lives and made us the people we are today and for that I owe him everything... He is my angel and I have him around my neck. I love him and he will always be my number 1.. I will try to contenue to write. As I slowly try to figure out what the purpous of all this has been. I will tell you one thing I do not think he is in a better place, because there was no better place for him then there was with me in my arms. No matter where he is..... He is my heart, even though it is broken, hopefully he will keep it working for me.... JJ is the only thing keeping me going right now. If I didn't have him I would have died in that hospital bed with DUB, just to be with him forever.. ONE DAY MOMMY'S COMMING BABY ONE DAY...
WE LOVE YOU DUB
HARLEY BRUCE DORNAN JR
JULY 1 2005 - AUG 14TH 2008
YOU WERE TO GOOD FOR THIS EARTH

Monday September 1st 12:30pmToday was a very surreal day..My husband and I went for a walk to starbucks, but not the usual one we go to.When we got there we were kind of in a daze, very overwhelmed with whats been going on, missing DUB soo much, my husband had a very emotional episode yesterday and I woke up in the middle of the night talking to DUB and having, what felt like mini heart attacks. I couldn't wake up with JJ this morning because I had to take valumes to get to sleep. When I woke up at 5pm... My husband and I proceeded to go for a walk and talk.. IN STARBUCKS. we sat down at a discuting sandwich and guzzled down a Iced VENTI SOY LATTE. As we walked home, there was a little boy riding a scooter, LUCA was his name which I found out later..Him and his mom were on there way back from bloomingdales I think.. The boy was about 6 or 7 years old.. Anyways he hit a bump and SMASHED HIS FACE on the handle bars of his scooter, his teeth went through his lips and he was bleeding like crazy. My husband and I instantley knew what to do and ran to him while the mother was in shock, she had no idea what was going on, she was in SHOCK.. My Husband started to stroke his head and calm him down as I went into the salon and got a first aid kit.. My husband was like gimme gauze, and put saline one it now, so I did it.. The mother looked soo wigged out.. We told her listen we know what were doing our kid just died.. I looked her in the dyes and said trust us please.. And she did... We gauzed up his mouth, told him to hold it there, my husband flagged a cab, payed it, and sent them to CORNELL EMERGANCY.. I tool all her stuff and gave it to the salon owner, who supprisingly I know because he's done my hair before. and is a good guy. He kept all of her bags and the scooter. And my husband put them in a cab.. After that happened we felt like we did something so good. It felt so good to us to help that little boy. The way my husband stroked his head, I just stood there and watched it and it was like he was stroking DUB's head. The tenderness of my husband and the way he loves children is soo amazing I told him he should be a doctor or a paramedic, he was soooo wonderful. I left the scene of the accident with goosbumps all over my body. My husband and I have been questioning WHY?WHY? WHY? HOW COME? WHATS OUR PURPOUS HERE? this whole time. And suddenly a situation like tyhat came up and it was like... WE LIKE CHILDREN, WE LOVE CHILDREN, WE WANT TO SAVE CHILDREN. We couldn't save our own but we gave up everything to try and we did things noone would even dare doing, like get pregnant with the hope of making a match even though theres a 20% chance.. GIVING UP our entire lives for DUB, loving him sooo much that that love kept him alive longer then any doctor could belive, they called him a super human. We couldn't save him, but he saved us, he brought out the best in us, He saved us from ourselves soooo many times over and over again and he has made us into these people who are strong and unstopable. This powerhouse MOMMYDADDY force... So when I got home I called the emergancy room and told the doctor there about the boy who was comming in and what happened to him, because the mom was in such shock as I called they were comming in and she thanked me.. I was still unsettled, I hadn't been back to the area of those two hospitals since DUB died and I felt like it was important for me to go and see this little boy. So i took JJ and my mother in law and we went. My husband tried to come but the second he saw the hospital he wigged out and said he had to go home he wasn't ready to see the hospital.. So the 3 of us went. We went into the emergancy room.. (The same one I used to take DUB into everyday that sloan wouldn't take him because they didn't get their stupid wire yet. And As I walked in They were leaving. I tapped he on the shoulder and gave LUCA a little batman toy that I brought for him. He looked at me and said thank you for helping me. Then I talked to the mom TINA. She had told me she was in such ahock she wouldn't have known what to do. She would have taken him to NYU, which they would have brought him in an ambulance to cornell anyway so we saved him from some trauma. Plus They did a great job. LUCA was running around like a little champ, like DUB was... All he said was do I look funny.. As I stood there watching that little boy and his older brother and his dad, who was holding his son, like harley used to hold DUB. I got goosebumps everywhere. I talked to her for quite a while, I told her my story and she told me she was a non profit lawyer and her husband was a fundraiser for non profit organizations our worlds collided... wow, everything happens for a reason time will tell if that did. Im starting to wonder if I should become a nurse now. For oncology children of course. I thought wouldn't it be cool to have a nurse who knows what its like to be in your situation........So as my mothger in law and I walked home we decided to walk by SLOAN... We started yelling for DUB, because DUB hasn't come to us yet in any of our dreams or givin us a sign and Ive been wigging out going like honey where are you.. As we walked by sloan, we say one of the girls that works at the front desk of the 9th floor. DUB's floor.. She came over and gave us both big hugs, because she, like everyone else loved DUB and was devistated.. I told her DUB hasn't come to us and I was wondering if any parents ever come back to look for there kid, or is that wierd? She told me no... it happens all the time, I randomly asked her is DUB's room was occupied, which I thought of course it is because they fill the room instantly, its always full. And she said you know what, its empty a little boy is down in urgent care comming up now but its empty , I looked at my mother in law and said hey, do you wanna go? She was like ya.. so we went in and went up to DUB's room. We sat there, JJ woke up instantley and looked around. Tears came to our eyes and we sat there talking to DUB we said "honey if your in here come with us mommy and sammon are here and your not sick anymore, get in the stroller and lets go home... we cried and JJ kept saying HA HA HA .. it was like he felt something to it was very surreal.. I cleaned up the story for him and we did all of the rituals of DUB. My mom in law looked for anything that maybe was randeomly there laying around, but nothing.. We finally got up and I said "okay honey get in the stroller now were going home, then in a few sleeps were going to florida, which has a beach everyday, me you daddy and baby Jah Jah, so come home now no more hospital" and as we left there My mopther in law pushed the empty slroller and I carried 35lb JJ four long blocks home and we talked to DUB. I hope he was in that stroller. Even if he wasn't and he has been with us the whole time, he's just playing games like he always is. It felt good to do that because I was worried he might still be in there and now that I know he's not for sure IM Happy... I miss him so much. Everyday IS DIFFERENT. But today was special so I had to write about it.. MOMMY LOVES YOU ANGEL........xoxo Codi

'What is Normal After your Child's Death?'Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile when you realize someone important is missing from all the important events in your family's life.Normal for me is trying to decide what to take to the Cemetary for Birthday's, Christmas,Thanksgiving, New Years, Valentine's Day, July 4th and Easter.Normal is feeling like you know how to act and are more comfortable with a funeral than a wedding or Birthday party...yet feeling a stab of pain in your heart when you smell the flowers and see the casket.Normal is feeling like you can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming, because you just don't like to sit through anything.Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand What if's & Why didn't I's go through your head constantly.Normal is reliving that day continuously through your eyes and mind, holding your head to make it go away.Normal is having the TV on the minute I walk into the house to have noise, because the silence is deafening.Normal is staring at every little boy who looks like he is my baby's age. And then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it. Then wondering why it is even important to imagine it. Because it will never happen.Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind, because of the hole in my heart.Normal is telling the story of my baby boy's death as if it were an everyday, commonplace activity, and then seeing the horror in someone else's eyes at how awful it sounds and yet realizing it has become a part of my 'normal'.Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor your child's memory and his birthday and survive these days. And trying to find the balloon or flag that fit's the occasion. Happy Birthday? 'Not Really'.Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight of something special my baby loved. Thinking how he would love it, but how he is not here to enjoy it.Normal is having some people afraid to mention my baby boy.Normal is making sure that others remember him.Normal is after the funeral is over everyone else goes on with their lives, but we continue to grieve the loss of our baby boy forever.Normal is weeks, months, and years after the initial shock, the grieving gets worse, not better.Normal is not listening to people compare anything in their life to this loss, unless they too have lost a child. NOTHING! Even if your child is in the remotest part of the earth away from you-it doesn't compare. Losing a parent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural.Normal is taking pills, and trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health depends on it.Normal is realizing I do cry everyday.Normal is disliking jokes about death or funerals, bodies being referred to as cadavers, when you know they were once someone's loved one.Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone, but someone stricken with grief over the loss of your child.Normal is sitting at the computer crying, sharing how you feel with chat buddies who have also lost a child.Normal is a new friendship with another grieving Mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. 'God may have done this because...' I love God, I know that my baby is in Heaven, but hearing people trying to think up excuses as to why our babies were taken from this earth is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to this grieving mother.Normal is being too tired to care if you paid the bills, cleaned the house, did laundry or if there is any food.Normal is wondering this time whether you are going to say you have two children or one, because you will never see this person again and it is not worth explaining that my baby is in heaven. And yet when you say you have one child to avoid that problem, you feel horrible as if you have betrayed your child.Normal is avoiding McDonald's and Burger King playgrounds because of small happy little boys that break your heart when you see them.Normal is asking God why he took your child's life instead of yours and asking if there even is a God.Normal is knowing I will never get over this loss, in a day or a million years.And last of all, Normal is hiding all the things that have become 'normal' for you to feel, so that everyone around you will think that you are 'normal'.