AUGUST 14TH
after a wierd turn in dubs attitude and mood I felt sick to my stomach at 3:30 this morning I rushed to the hospital and DUB was breathing very fast. I jumped into bed with him and instantly started to call the nurses and dr's it took them a long time and noone knew what was wrong. I told them to take his blood and send it stat because he was moaning and I was counting his breaths. Although his sats were good his breaths were 60 per minute. It was a new nurse. We hadn't had her before and I just kept beeping and telling them somethings wrong, is he wigging out from the new anti anxiety medication.. Is it his hemoglobin?? 2 hours later of me holding him and rubbing his little head and trying to calm him doen he was asleep peacefully,the nurse came in and said your are right his hemoglobin came back and it was 7.2 from 85 yesterday. He was still breathing fast, but asleep, they kept comming in telling me they wanted to do a cheast xray.. I said go get him blood now he needs blood hurry. This is what he does when is hemoglobin is low. He was moaning with every third breath. I just kept holding him stroking his head and I fell asleep waiting for blood. I said no xray until blood hes calm. I don't want to agitate him please, leave him in peace... They came in at 7:30am at shift change and woke me up saying the bloods here but they are really concerened the needed to do an X-Ray as soon as I let go of him He died. on the Xray board. I ran over, grabbed him screamed for the doctors. He wasn't breathing. He turned yellow. He stopped breating when I let go of him.. He died in my arms. They took him from me and all rushed in put the tube down his throat and tried to get his heart going, it did a few times but it was too late. Oxygen hadn't been to his brain for to long. I called Harley he got there at 8:30. BALLING, dub's last words were "I WUV YOU DADDY". After everthing they cleaned up the room and I layed there in bed with his lifeless body. I kept opening his eyes thinking he was going to wake up. But he didn't. The doctors and nurses all came in and our Doctor told us that they have never seen a kid fight like he did, in there entire carrer. To take the TVTC and then 3 more rounds of chemo and still act the way he did, was amazing. They said he was the strongest kid in the hisstory of Sloan. Im in a daze and the image of letting go of him and looking over and him not breathing on the xray board is playing over and over in my head. My baby is gone...... I am comletley and utterly devistated. Im at a loss for words about how I feel. I know that he had a shitty life and he fought for us because we loved him so much... He fought for love... Our love. The nurses and doctors all said that we as parents were the most wonderful, loving, fighting parents they ever saw and that they will never forget. DUB was loved sooo much it kept him going way longer then he was supposed to be here. But none of that matters now. He is gone and I let go of him and he gave up. He couldn't do it anymore.
DUB IF YOU ARE UP THERE MOMMY LOVES YOU SOOOOOOO MUCH AND YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY NUMBER ONE. YOU WERE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, SPECIAL BOY I HAVE EVER MET AND YOU WERE MY SON. I HAD THE MOST PRECIOUS GIFT OF ALL TIME AND THAT WAS TO BE YOUR MOMMY. I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL AND WHERE EVER YOU ARE PLEASE KNOW THAT ONE DAY I WILL BE THERE TOO.. RIGHT BESIDE YOU. FOR NOW WATCH OVER BABY JAH JAH FOR ME AND DADDY AND ME.. YOU ARE WITH THE ANGELS NOW......................................
I LOVE YOU
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
MOMMY......................