Recently my husband has put me to work, he turned me into a webdesigner somehow, I dont really know how I figured it out, but I did and I found an outlet, during the time when DUB was asleep, and I couldn't move because if I did he would wake up. So I would stay up all night, with the laptop in my lap and DUB asleep nuzzled into my armpit. Working on my husband's website, learning how to all of this tecnical stuff, I had know idea what I was getting myself into, but I finally figured it out and got my own website up, which I am proud of, It gave me an outlet of self expression while I sat there, it made me feel human.. My Husband was working on his clothingline and at first I was like babe your clothingline is vulgar, lol, like im not, but still tone it down.. We fought about it and he told me to f off and just work on the website.. So I did.. So now my husband has his clothing line up and he has a new mission. He asked me last night how he can setr up a blog on his website and I was thrilled, I said baby, I cant believe you want to write, trust me it helps.. My husband hasn't wrote down his feeling at all throughout this entire cancer journey. I even asked him to write a letter to DUB and JJ in there baby books and he still didn't get around to it no matter how much I busted his ballz. He needed to do it on his own time... A few days after DUB passed away we went for a walk and we talked about Leukemia and how under the radar it was and how mad it made us about how unimformed you are as a parent, etc.... Were in the process of setting up a foundation in DUB's honour to help raise money for familes who need support and finacial means to FIGHT there hardest for their babies. AS DUB DID. And never give up no matter what these doctors say.. At Dub's service I had a plan to get up and talk but I didn't write anything down. I cried as my mother in law had a planned speech about DUB, some special poems and praised us as strong parents. I sat there and criedlooking around the room at all of my babies things and his pictures and I was shaking. I could barely stand. When my mother in law was done the priest asked doers anyone else want to say something. Without even wiping the mascara off my face, I stood up on the podiem, legs shaking in front of everyone and started talking.. I talked about my sweet baby and how I cant make sense of any of this because it just didn't go the way I thought It would and there is nothing more to say then Im broken and completely devistated. He was everything to me and finding the stregnth to live on would be through my husband and JJ. But then I started to get stregnth from all of the other sweet little angels that I knew who passed away... Brendon Mauro, Beck Jamesion, GINELLE (i dont know her last name),Elijah and so many more that I cant name them all because im typing so fast.. The week dub died 5 other kids at SLOAN died too. Can you believe that???? What is happening to these kids??? So on that podiem at my son's funeral I started to rant and rave about how we need to spread awarness and speak for these sweet little angels that got FUCKED over by life.... My baby was one of them. LUEKEMIA.. do you know people don't even know what that is, let alone, when they do they think its cureable. They say to me like idiots "well thats curable". I want to punch those people. NOBODY knows..... Anyways the point I was getting at is my husband he finally speaks... And It was beautiful. The love and connection my husband Harley had with DUB was so amazing words can't even discribe how beautiful it was. I think thats why he couldn't write it because words couldn't describe this type of love. It was cosmical, magical and it was like they were the same person..... Here is what I found on his blog today..........His first entry..........
hey u manglers out there world wide, since i started this clothing line my beautiful baby boy of just over 3yrs old has passed away. it came so suddenely were still in shock. i gave up everything i was and had, and more to come to this supposed best hospital in the world and i still couldnt fix him. once again i am totally devistated and destroyed, but waaaaaay worse then any other time in my life. he taught me everything about myself, how to love , how to live just for the love of another...the void is eternally plastered in time and on my body and soul. once again i am faced with my never ending battle that life has givin me...mangle? or die...and if i didnt have a wife and 10 mnth old that need me so bad id blow my face off so fast in hopes of maybe going to the utopia Im forced to think of him in otherwise ill flip out. i choose immediately to mangle, for him. to spend the rest of my days devoting my time and money to familys struggling with childhood leukemia and research and awhareness. there is such a lack of knowledge of the rampant increase of childhood leukemia and it tares these kids to pieces. doctors r total goofs for the most part, parents have no idea of their rights, and get walked all over, aswell as the kids themselves dont allways get wat they need. so i choose life and to make my son proud and honor his legacy until im satisfyed hes been fully respected to his potential. i will never be the same. nor will my wife, we dont even know wat to do withought him, im so lost and saddend that i cant even rant and rave today. to u my love of my life Harley Bruce Dornan junior, the absolute love of my life that taught me to be a better stronger healther person. i salute u and can only humbally ask u for guidance and compasion and the time i need to heal. i love u more then any one will ever know, goodbye my sweet baby brilliant before his time little boo boo.
WOW thats all I could say.. his website is manglegear.com and he is making clothes to make DUB proud and support other people who need help. He is my inspiration.. I encourage everyone to check out his website. By buying something not only does it give him something positive to focas on but it gives him something to do other then lose his mind over losing a piece of himself. DUB was everything to us. My writing, JJ, and my husbands clothing line are the only things we have after selling our house, spending all of our money and selling all of our assets to fight for DUB. It didn't work. Now all I have is a star around my neck with his ashes in it, a head ful of beautiful memories, alot of how comes and some regret. But it is what it is. DAY BY DAY what else can I do? LIVE OR DIE.. OR MANGLE, LOL