today in writing in red because ive been walking around in DUB'S red blanket all day. I slep most of the day then moved to the couch.. I couldn't get up with JJ and ive been finding it hard to do anything. I have been wandering around in a daze.. Ive realized that I dont even know how to live my life without DUB. This whole past 3 years has been all about DUB. He was my life, my everything. My husband even told me that. i didn't even really know how to be a wife because in the back of my mind no matter what I was doing it was all about DUB. Now im lost. I have this little boy JJ. Who I barely know because Ive been in the hospital with DUB the whole time. He also is feeling quite an impact, so many changes for him. Nanny's gone. Mommy and Daddy are always around and I feel like he notices his DUB not around too. He's not being himself, which is making it very hard. Today I wanted to go check myself into a hospital. I feel like things are going to get really wierd. Like I want to watch cars and animals (his 2 favorite shows) and get like a life size doll, pretend its him and wrap up in his red blankets and read him stories, The ones I used to read him. IM LOSING IT. My husband is looking into greif counselling for me. But with comming to New York and getting a place 2 blocks from the hospital, and it costing 350k just to get in the door, plus the health insurance we had to pay for to stay in sloan which was 8000 per month and our rent being rediculously high, being on the upper east side of manhatten. We have sold our home in toronto, our vacation home and are almost left with nothing. We want to leave and go away but we have to figure out how to get out of this lease in new york or were gonna end up broke. I dont want to live 2 blocks away from the hospital that killed our baby. I have so many things that I wanna talk about but cant because there is law suits happening.. ALL that keeps running through my head is how he died and how i had to give my own baby mouth to mouth and it took them 5 minutes before the doctors came to resesatate him.. WHY? Why whis way.... I dont know if I will ever know? Or be able to make sense of any of this. I know I have to be a mother to JJ but Im gonna have to dig deep to find the stregnth to even get up and feed myself let alone another baby.. I love him soo much but he is so moody and hard to deal with right now. Were trying to figure out how we can just go away for a while.. On my website im selling the preview copy of my book.. It all helps right now, people interested in my story is the only thing keeping me going.... www.codidornan.com let me know if you like it.
xoxo for now