TOMMORROW ONE MONTH

Today I have been sad all day, I sat in the room where all DUB's stuff was for hours and cried touching his pictures, looking at his perfect face. COMPLETLEY AND UTTERLEY DEVISTATED. I hate myself, I blame myself, and I cannot stop. My husband is waking up from dreams of seeing ghouls and monsters and looking very sickly. JJ is great and beautiful and wonderful and so normal. Today I was feeding him and his highchair is right there beside DUB's earn. I was looking at it and I started to ball, JJ looked at me and went "HA". thats how he says hi to everyone.. I said with a faint little wimpery voice "ha" and he started to shake his head as if he was telling me no. He's 10 months old. I was like wtf are you telling me no for your not even 1 yet. He just kept shaking his head. So I stopped crying. He stopped shaking his head and started to cooperate with me and open his mouth again.so I said"sorry dude i wont cry then". Once I was done feeding him I took him into the room where all of DUB's pictures and things are. Everytime I bring him in there he gets really quiet, which is unusal because he is a loud ass
baby. I said say hi to your brother DUB honey, JJ says loudly "HA" as he gazes around the room looking at all of the stuff of DUB's I said "honey thats your brother DUB. He looked at me with a tear in his eye and that tripped me out sooo badly I went put him in his exersaucer and dropped to the ground and started to ball my eyes out.

Tommorrow will be one moth since DUB left me, On that X ray machine, 1 month since I fell asleep with him in my arms while waiting for the blood to come because I thought his hemoglobin dropped and it did from 92 to 76 and I knew it, I madew them do blood work in the middle of the night because I knew something wasn't right, tring to get a dr to find out what was wrong with him, but the because he was breathing so fast and strained, 1 MONTH since they came in and woke me up and said we needed an XRAY because his blood chemical levels were worrysome. 1 month since I let him go onto that fuckin XRAY machine and walked away.. 1 month since he DIED, he died when I let go of him. 1 month since I ran back and tried to ressessitate my own child because the doctors didn't have the kit close by and 3 minutes went by before he has oxygen to his brain and the carried me away while the attempted to turn him into a vegitable.. THEY KILLED HIM, THEY KILLED MY FUCKING BABY AND I WANT THEM ALL TO KNOW IT, they could have payed more attention and brought him to the ICU, we don't know what his counts were doing but we had a fuckin matched cord and the t cells were almost done. BUT NOW HES GONE, AND SO AM I, SO IS MY HUSBAND. JJ IS KEEPING ME HERE BUT IM DEAD INSIDE, I HAVE NOTHING LEFT BUT EMPYNESS AND SADNESS AND REGRET EATING MY SOUL........................ ONE FUCKING MONTH.......................... THANKS ALOT MEMORIAL SLOAN FUCKING KETTERING AND FUCK YOU.......................... He didn't have to die, why does that have to be my purpous.. Now i will live in my own personal HELL.

ONE MONTH AT A TIME