WHYYYYYY???????????????

I feel like such a downer so thats why I haven't been writing as much lately.. Maybe im angry, its like I don't get the same response now that the dust has settled and im here alone with my thoughts and regrets.. One moment im happy and feel blessed to have a little sweety like JJ to help keep me sidetracked from my pain, and the next moment im angry. I feel robbed, I blame myself for my son's death. I wish I was in my right mind when I sighned that cloforibine study, or made the desision to go to SLOAN KETTERING. Or not storming the hospital and demanding they let him in when they were hanging up the phone on me. When we got to New York his relapse blast were 33% in his marrow. Our closing date got pushed back and we didn't have the 350k they wanted, for 2 weeks I took him to cornell everyday, they didn't admit him...WHYYYYYYYYYYY..... WHAT DID I DO WRONG????? WE HAD THE CORD.... THE BLASTS WERENT IN HIS PERIFERAL BLOOD YET... COULD I HAVE DONE MORE??????? I hate the hospital, why didn't they let him in, he is a child... WHEN they got they money they welcomed him with open arms, but it was tooo late, he had 80% blasts in his periferal blood....... I just cant get over this then I see the patient bill of rights on the wall..... the first rule.. NO HOSPITAL IN NEW YORK CAN REFUSE A PATIENT????? WHAT?????? I dunno I just cant come to terms with all of this, I miss him soo much as I sit here in florida where I dreamed of him playing on the beach with his baby brother all I feel is pain... And now the funeral is over, the dust has settled, everyone goes back to their lives, stop emailing me, facebooking me, caring... And im left here alone feeling like my child was murdered..... Im trying soo hard to stay strong but im dieing inside and longing for DUB sooooooo bad, wondering where he is and if he knows how much I love him.. I wonder if he see's me playing with JJ and feels replaced or jeolous.. Does he know what happened to him?? is he in heaven? is there a heaven. because if there was a GOD why would he let children suffer like this.. I get so angry when I see all of these breast cancer awarness campaigns, what about childhood cancer.. WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS BEING ROBBED OF THEIR LIVES.. I just found out a friend of a friend of mine I went to school with, a single mother, her daughter just got diagnosed with leukemia 1 week ago... I sent her a book and offered her help, she has no money and I cried for her.. I have a husband, she is alone in a leukemia battle. She doesnt even know yet what hell she is about to endure... WHY OUR BABIES.. JJ is getting to the age where he is starting to walk and saying dadadadadada all day and everything he does remind me of DUB, he has the same one track mind, accident prone tendancies as DUB and im sad.. I think of healthy DUB and it makes me soooo sad. I dont want JJ to live in the shadow of his brother but now he will be a year old on Oct 26th and DUB was diagnosed at 14 months old.... Im worried about JJ now.. Ive heard of 2 kids having leukemia, ive already taken him to get a CBC and I have the erge to do it every single day... WHAT IF?????? im scared, sad, feel sorrow for my husband and I miss DUB sooooo much and strongly believe he didn't have to DIE..... what do I do??? get help... HAHAHA noone can understand or help me.. The pills help me not to cry when I want to cry. I miss him sooooooooo much its getting close to 2 months since he was taken from me.. from those doctors and their drugs and their ignorance, I don't know if I will ever come to terms with his deathy and it scares me to death.... The second autopsy results haven't come back yet and the hospital is withholding his organs because "the organ guy is on vacation". I just can't believe any of this. I cuddle his blanket and sleep with his ashes. He hasn't come to me or given me a sign... In a dream or in reality... Honey where are you I NEED TO KNOW.............
I LOVE YOU DUB SOOO MUCH PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOUR OK..... ARE YOU WITH ME? I MISS YOU AND JJ IS NOT YOUR RELPACEMENT PLEASE KNOW THAT........ I WUV YOU..... AND NOT A MOMENT GOES BY THAT I DONT LONG FOR YOU.....