LIFE AFTER DEATH?????

Does that even exist, well I mean for me.. I cant figure out the real mening behind that but.. There is life after losing a child it just takes time.. its been 3 months and not a moment goes by I dont think of him.. Instead of blogging during a deep phase of writers block im going through alot of different emotions. My husband is sad and sick.. My little JJ is walking now and saving me every day from my voices and devistations and well Im working on my book. EDITING.. SUXXXXX. But I am trying to stay determined. Its hard to keep motavated when life is so wierd. So on and off. One day at a time. Hot and COLD. Struggling to find the words to explain he true feelings in my heart are gutwrenching. SO on that note maybe not such a good blog today.. Well hey tommorrow is another day. Without my sweet DUB.. Without a dream of his face. Or the pitter patter of his feet around the house. But JJ is walking around now and waking up to him is a true joy, a saving grace... He truly is a wonderful little boy... BUT I STILL WANNA SCREAM FUCK YOU LEUKEMIA......... OK im getting wierd.. gonna sign off now...

xoxo

codi

MY SWEET LITTLE HERO.......

I havent been blogging much on caringbridge or here.. Actually I feel like im at a loss for words.. My Dub is gone.. Ive been crazy.. Had a few suicidal episodes even.. I mean JJ came and found me and stood up and walked his first 3 steps to me for the first time and said mama... I was on the floor balling with DUB's earn wrapped in his red blanket, Completley freaking out... Jah saved me.. Im not qick to admit I wanted to kill myself or thought of it but. JJ made me a believer that day.. I know he is special and is here to keep mommy on track. I miss DUB alot and Im trying hard to meet this book deadline so im gonna sign off now. I want to write more but instead im gonna read you the letter I wrote to JJ that night he saved me.....

Dear my Hero JJ,
Your the only reason im alive today. Today I wanted to DIE.. I mean I really wanted to DIE.. the voices were strong in my head and very persistant on this perticular day. I really miss your brother and feel very sad and sometimes guilty about what I saw and what happened to your big brother. I looked for the razor blade, On the marble floor, in the bathroom as I found it I turned around and there you were, you looked up at me, stood up, and said MAMAMAMAMAMAMAMA with your arms up and your big blue eyes looking up at me. Thenb you did something amazing, you walked 3 steps to mommy, for the first time, you walked, and it was to me, when I needed you. I was amazed, I smailed and grabbed you crying and holding you. You just stayed in my arms without squirming as I held you and said mama. It was an amazing moment. I LOVE YOU BABY JAH JAH... You are my hero.

Im sorry mommy is having a hard time because of your brother being gone, but hunny when you get older you will understand, you and your brother are very special boys and I will show you video's of him when you grow up. You actually made it clear to me that you need me as your mommy. Its hard to know sometimes. You are so independant. You are such a scorpio, just like mommy. Your heard me crying, holding your brother's ashes and you looked all over the house for me till you found me, on the bathroom floor and you walked to me and hugged me. Even though your only 1 year old, its like you know. You have an old soul. Some have even said you resemble the godfather in some pictures, hahaha. I hope you know today you made me believe.

I LOVE YOU MY SWEET LITTLE JAH JAH..
AND MOMMY PROMISES I WILL STICK AROUND FOR YOU.....

XOXOXOXOXO
MOMMY