WHATS HAPPENING????

I haven't updated in a while because weve finally got our new place and Ive been unpacking like a mad woman, plus we had no internet for like 4 days, awwwww... but were here, and its soo nice to have a home that I know we will be in for a long time. Its sooo perfect, its almost too good to be true, the only thing is that unpacking all of my pictures and DUB's things has made it extremly hard. He would have loved this house.. The backyard has a swimming pool and a full park.. Its a one floor, bungalo and sometimes walking around I imagine DUB running around. It has brought me too my knees a few times over the past week.. I miss him soo much. I thank him for bring me to this paradise, dream home that is in suberbia Florida, yet hate myselfd for thinking that. I want him to bee here sooo badly. Its not really getting any easier, actually Im finding it harder as the time goes by. I see all the kids in the neighbourhood, the healthy ones, and I crumble.. Ive decided to put words underneith my Portrait tatoo of DUB's beautil face on my arm because too many people notice it and think its JJ, If I put REST PEACEFULLY MY ANGEL im hoping people wont approach me like its a cool tatty where'd I get it man.. ITS MY BABY AND HE'S GONE I WANNA SCREAM AT THEM but i just say thanks and try to differ them from talking about it. I wont deny I have devistated a few people when they bring it up if im having an off day....
Ive wanted to talk about this for a while but I didn't want to add it in my 2 month anniversery entry for DUB, the timing wasnt right. But so far the DUB fund has done OK and my first purchase with some of the money raised I used to buy a box of Childhood Leukemia books (by NANCY KEENE) they are great books, it was like my bible during DUB's treatment. Its a guide book packed with iformation on everything about childhood Leukemia, from questions to ask the dr's, to other parents input,. to info and side effects of every single chemotherapy drug used. I recieved it as a gift from a very special friend when DUB was first Diagnosed, Brendon's mom (Giselle) www.caringbridge.org/visit/brendenmouro , her son Brendon and DUB were the same age but brendon was on his way into pallpative care while dub was in about his second month of treatment.. Him and DUB were the cutest little angel out of Vancouver. Read her story, her and her husband are amazing people, and i still talk to her..... Anyways I bought a box of these books and me and Harley planned on giving them out at different hospitals to parents, (our goal for the DUB FUND being helping parents be informed so they can FIGHT). So an old friend from high school facebooked me a message and told me of her good friend MILEY who had a 4 year old daughter and she was a single mom. I met Miley once when I was in Jr High but we weren't close.. Her daughter casey was diagnosed with leukemia and Miley was freaking out.. I instantley told her to tell Miley to call me. She was leaving to go to Toronto, (which is a hospitasl DUB was in ) so I wanted to help her. I felt soo bad her being a single mom. I was worried sick over Miley and Casey. The night I found out I sent Stefanie a book and a letter to give to Miley because she was about to go to Toronto to see her and I wanted her to bring it to her from me. I know how it is when your baby is first diagnosed, you dont wanna talk to the mom of the kid who passed away, its to hard to imagine that happening to you.. So I reached out as much as I could.. Miley got the book and my letter and got to Toronto. But it was to late within two days Casey died in the hospital in Miley's arms. They didn't even have a chance to give her a bone marrow. I remember the first thing I thought when The doctors took me and Harley into that back room and told me DUB had Leukemia.. I BALLED, FAINTED, then I said if DUB DIES I WILL KILL MYSELF, I cant live with out him.. Well after Casey died .. 2 days after... MILEY SWALLOWED A BOTTLE OF VALUME AND SLIT HER WRISTS. She died.. She wrote a note saying.. I CANT LIVE WITHOUT HER... "TEAR" I know that feeling.. GOD DO I KNOW THAT FEELING ALL TO WELL. I WANTED TO DIE, I TRIED TO DIE, BUT JJ'S FACE STOPPED ME... IF I didnt have JJ I would have died in that bed on August 14th beside my baby's lifeless body...... STEFANIE told me Miley's family wouldn't come to the funeral because she had made it clear that she felt ok with Miley's desision to be with her daughter. The family was Morman and obviosly thought she was evil for thinking that. I agree with Stefanie, She is with her daughter, she had nothing else to live for, being a single mom and living for your baby. So This entry is a salute to Miley and Casey... MAY YOU BOTH REST PEACEFULLY AND TOGETHER.......
Now all the questions run through my head...
WHY DIDNT SHE KNOW SOONER?
DO FAMILY DR'S EVEN THINK TO DO CBC'S ON A REGULAR BASIS?
DO PARENTS KNOW WHAT SIGHNS TO LOOK FOR?
DO PARENTS KNOW HOW FUCKING COMMEN THIS HORRIBLE DISEASE IS?
HOW CAN I GET THE MESSAGE OUT THERE SO PARENTS KNOW THAT THIS IS REAL AND COULD HAPPEN TO THEM????
PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW, WE ARE LOSING TO MANY CHILDREN...... I WISH I HAD THE NAME OF HER DR SO I CAOULD CALL HIM OR HER MYSELF AND SAK WTF????
WE ALL NEED TO BE AWARE........
Miley im glad you at least knew that I cared before you and your beautiful daughter left this earth, I hope you find DUB up there, he will make you smile for eternity, he still does for me....
xoxo
REST PEACEFULLY.... CASEY, BRENDEN and DUB and all of the other sweet little angels that this stupid fuckin Leukemia takes from us. I not rest until people know....

SIGNS??

DUB IS THAT YOU?
Today was a wierd day. We spent the day looking at places and we think we found the perfect one but Im not going to talk about it because I dont wanna jinx it. But after ward it was such a nice day that on the highway on the way home my husband decided to keep going and drive to Miami randomly, at 5pm in traffic, with JJ in the car who was already annoyed from being dragged around all day looking at houses. Oops ok let me rewind back to last night before I contenue this story. Ive been sick for 3 days straight with a stomach flu and once I was feeling better I started to get hives from god knows what, stress maybe??? Anyways while I was sick it was quite an emotional expiriance for me as well because I was getting fevers and tremours and all I could think of was my poor little dub and what he went through half his life. So I would cry and shake and go to the toilet. It was intenese to say the least. So today was the first day Ive felt good enough to keep food down and conduct my day, but like I said I needed to take benedryl for my hives. So it put me in a coma sleep quickly (as it did dub before he get's blood products..) and I guess my husband had a very hard night, he said he cried for 2 hours in the next room begging DUB to give him a sign that he is alright. As I was for the past 3 days as well on and off. So on this drive to Miami, we get into the downtown core, which is pretty scary actually. Its a nice city but the vibers are scary and feel unsafe. We both looked at eachother ( my husband and I) and said why did come here again? "OH WE NEED GAS" my husband said. So we pull up to a gas station, It was HOTTTTTT!!!!! and as we were about to stop I noticed a little grey thing under a car at the pump. I din't see it get there, I dont even know how it ggot there. So I said babe is that a kitty? He stopped I ran over to the car and the woman was about to take off and run over the cat,I grabbed her. She was sooo frail, I happened to have cat food in my trunk, because we have our cat here.... I nussled this little sick, frail (like i mean no meat on her bones frail), into my lap, with a bowl of food. She ate like she hadn't eaten in months. I don't even know how she got there. there was no bushes around. I didn't see her run from any where. I didn't even know if she could walk, but she was there under a car about to take off over her, at the gas pump in the sweltering heat. The poor little thing. We named ner MIAMI as we started to drive she gobbled food like she hadn't eaten in months and after she was done eating she curled up in my lap. Her spine sticking out soo much it was like a little kitty skelaton in my lap. I was crying. This poor little kitty.What happened to her?Was she a gift from DUB?? We drove her to the Emergancy Vet Hospital and waited in the waiting room. The dr let us in and told us she is very sick. If we even want to bother (like if we want to pay) he will do a CBC and cultures (wierd?) and some other tests and find out whats going on with her. So we said of course and we left her and came back to our hotel awaiting the call from the VET. He called 2 hours later and told us that she basiclly is very sick and that if we didn't bring her in tonight she wouldn't have made it another day. The tests shoed she had everything a cat could have but LEUKEMIA and rabies of course. She had 7 different types of worms eating her from the inside, mange, mites, malnoureshment and there is a 60/40 chance she will make it through the night, if she does she will come home to us on several different medications including DEXAMETHISONE (trippy). And now we will nurse her back to health. They were all shocked of course that someone would even do this for a cat because everything would cost 1000 dollars. They said people don't just do that for cats. Ya well were not normal people my husband told the vet. So tommorrow we pick up Miss Miami from the hospital and begin day 1 of nursing her back to heealth. If she is a gift from DUB she will be chasing salamanders in no time alongside. TWITCH, MINNIE, CAMINO, TUDDLES AND BIGGIE.. Welcome to the family Little Miss Miami... You are safe with us.. Dub was that you????