WTF is going on
17 years ago
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
writers block or real life??
I havent posted anything anywhere in months.. I goess I sort of owe the people that read my writing an explination.. I don't even have time in a day to take half an hour to smell the air or enjoy a coffee.. I have went from cancer mom, to grieving mother to single mom financially supporting everyone.. The stregnth of Little JJ is the only thing that keeps me from crumbling. Im laying here feeling like ive reached my level of breaking and i grabbed my laptop, my best friend, the friend that listens to me with out trying to change the subject because the intense pain of the situations I deal with in my life are just to much for any human being to face.. I miss Dub soo much it has come to a point where I actually have a very hard time thinking about it or talking about it because I feel like someone has reached in my cheast and tore out my heart. I try my best to be a good mother to JJ. I give him whatever ounce of love I have left and have none left for myself it feels sometimes. My life has been survival for the sake of my children. I live for them. There isnt a day that goes by that the trauma of that dreaded day plays over in my head. Or the day I got my husbands last text message. I will admit I fell into a deep hole that I am trying to slowly dig my way out of.. Writing right now is a big step for me. Ive been trapped in the four walls again. Hibernating. Put myself in soldier mode, trying to mask the pain I feel so deeply by sourounding myself with anything or anyone that doesnt remind me of pain. I feel like I am to proud to ask anyone for help. Throughout this whole journey i have isolated myself and my kids from so many things. The truth is I am ashamed to be that person that brings down the vibe with intolerable pain so I act like everything is normal when my body just wants to ball and fall apart and have someone take care of me. is this human nature? Does everyone that has endured the pain of losing their child feel this way. Do we always resort back to these four walls? Our comfort zone? our shell? Well I guess I am proud to finally say that maybe this is the first step, writing again?????
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2 comments:
Codi,
I know you but you and I are not friends nor have we ever been. However I feel that maybe you need to hear this from someone other then the people that you see every day. You inspire me. You are an amazing person. I cannot nor do I think anyone else can imagine how you feel on any given day. I read your status or your blog and my heart goes out to you. I am sure that these are things that you are told every day by the people who love you. I hope that you know your grace, strength and incredible power as a mother a wife and women will forever be something that all women are measured by. I know some days it must feel like those four walls are caving in on you. I just wanted you to remember to breathe....... And exhale.
i lov that responSE!!! DITTO...KEEP WRITINg...we do hide bEHIND the four walls....it's just a nATURAL REACTION shut down. YOU ARE MAKING it though! you are amazinG, INCREDIBle anD YES, EVERY PARETNs plays that last day throught Their bRAIN ...look at all the trauma you've bEEN through from such a younG AGE ANyhow. you shut down YEARS AGO HONey.....you knOW THAT. But, this we can'T RUN from. anD, EVERY other trauma we've ever had in OUR LIVES PALES IN compasrison TO THIS. KEEP FEELINg, even WHEN it hurts....keep cryinG...it's okay...i think OF HENry's last day, everyday, several times a day. you're nOT ALONe.
mother tucker
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